Living Through the Trials with Grace & Faith

So, it's been awhile since I've written.  Life and Time just seems to pass by so quickly anymore.  So what have I been up to. 

Well, this past month has been a rough time.  Sometimes in life, we feel like we are trucking along doing fine.  Sometimes during those times, we have trials in front of us.  This month has been that for me.

Physically:  My diabetes took a dive this month.  The end of June, I began to have elevated blood sugars.  I couldn't really connect the why and just assumed that it would get better by itself.  So three days at work, giving insulin boosts 25 units at a time with no improvement.  Thursday came and I just didn't feel great.  So I went to lay down at 6:00.  Mac came in and asked what was wrong.  I said I didn't feel good. She asked what my blood sugar was.  I said over 600.  She said how long?  I said 3 days.  She said I'll be back.  Bless this kid.  Next came her and Neal asking if I should go into the hospital.  Now, those of you that have known me, I have had way too much quality time in that place and can't stand having to go.  But, at this time, I knew it was what I needed to do.  So, hair a mess, and in my pajamas, Neal took me to Lakeside Hospital here in Omaha.  He left me in the ER because I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  Got into a room and they drew some blood.  Blood sugar 767.  sigh.  And with that, I knew I would probably be kept inpatient.  Long story short, I was there through Monday.  I was off of the insulin pump on an insulin drip in ICU.  They sent me home on insulin shots with the thinking that my pump had malfunctioned.  I saw my endocrine on Tuesday.  We agreed to call the pump people and do some tests on it and then transition back to my pump.  All the tests worked fine so back on the pump and sensor by the end of the week.  All was ok...right?

Emotionally:  So, all was fine, right.  I'm out of the hospital and back on the pump.  Hip Hip Hooray!  Well, then came the curtain of shame I have often dealt with.  Diabetes for me has never been an exact science as I'm considered a brittle diabetic.  And you know what, it just stinks.  Why can't I just MAKE it work?  Why can't I just BE NORMAL?  Bam....they why's become because you aren't capables and the aren't worthy.  I know that's a large jump but it's how my brain works and being transparent is the best way to personal connections.  So, I see my counselor.  Right out of the hospital.  I'm in euphoria from getting out of the hospital and back to work and it was like a concrete process.  But, then a week later,  The process is done and I'm stuck with my own thoughts.  They are ugly.  I just knew I had caused my diabetes to mess up.  If I had only poked my finger one more time, ate one more vegetable, it would've changed the outcome. 

So then comes yesterday, my next counseling appointment is here.  The first question I'm always asked is how are you?  My immediate response was exhausted.  Without hesitation, there it is.  But, what did I mean.  Was I sleepy?  No.  I just felt mentally wiped out.  Anyways, the conversation continues and I just talk about how I feel about the diseases I deal with and how hard it is.  She says that in all chronic illnesses, we cannot control 100% of what happens.  With diabetes, it's more of a 70-30 ratio.  We can control what we eat, how often we test, dr appts.  But, what number pops up on that screen is out of my control.  Wow.  That sounds so basic but for me it was eye opening.  Then comes the bipolar.  That is more 60-40 she says.  Because I can control that I take my medicine, and who I surround myself with.  But, 40% of the time my emotional state may vary.  Again, a realization

So What's New Right?  Well here's something that is new that is also in this mix.  I am having hearing loss.  A little more than a year ago, I noticed upon waking up that I wasn't hearing hardly at all.  But, I just thought it was a morning phenomenon.  About 2 months ago, I noticed it more frequently to the point that people around me were pointing it out.  So, I went to my primary care dr.  I essentially failed the hearing test on my left ear.  My right ear I missed the lower tones.  So we weren't sure the cause and he put me on an antibiotic for 2 weeks just to ensure it wasn't an infection.  My follow up was Thursday.  The tests did not show improvement.  So, I have an appt Monday with an ENT.  But, then comes the mind....you know nothing ever turns out ok...you know it's probably cuz you screwed up your diabetes...and there it goes.  SIGH!

So What's the Conclusion?  My counselor said, I need to surround myself with caring people.  I need to know that it's ok to be taken care of sometimes.  That's hard, see, I always feel like I have to be the caretaker and with everything going on, I'm exhausted.  And here's the other tough piece, as discussed in previous blogs, I am kind of an introvert.  So, this would involve reaching out in vulnerability.  But I did it.  I texted my friend from church that I've know since the kids were just little.  We are doing breakfast next Sunday before church.  Then I texted two of the girls in my small group and asked if we could do dinner this week.  And you know what.....I'm still alive.  It didn't kill me to reach out!  :-)

Today at Church.  So, this morning I went to church with family.  After church, another of the women from small group came up to me and said she had read my blog and that my story was inspirational.  What a fantastic word.  From Me?  I was flattered.  She said, I don't say stuff unless I mean it.  So, here's my a ha moment.  No matter how screwed up you feel, no matter how ashamed you are.....be transparent.  Let others know what you're going through cuz we never know what chapter others are in.  And by developing personal relationships, the ebb and flow ensues.  Sometimes, they may need you to be their rock.  Others, it's the opposite.  But, being our own rock is a sure way to sink in the ocean of life.

In closing, I want to thank the motivational people in my life who keep supporting me.  You know who you are.  I hope you all know the daily/minutes of impact that you continue to make in my life.  I hope that you all realize that I am there for you all too. 

Until next time, take care and God Bless!