Suprisingly Satisfied

Awhile ago, I read a book called the resolution for women by Priscilla Shirer.  It is a book of encouragement for wives and mothers.  It is a book about being the woman that God desires for us to be.  I have read it many times and every time I find something new.  Today I decided I would begin to read again. 

This chapter is one of my favorites.  Surprisingly Satisfied-----A resolution to be content.  Oh contentment.  Such a tough word to swallow in today's world.  But, see, I need a reset.  I need to realize that this moment, this very moment is what I make of it. 

In this chapter, it talks about how throughout life we are rushing for the next best thing.  As a kid, we want to grow up.  As a young adult, we want a relationship.  As a young couple, we want kids.  As parents, we want them to grow up, etc   This feeling has a name---discontentment.  It says "He shows up at your doorstep just like mine, eager to step inside and make himself at home.  But instead of only coming for short visits on rare occasion, he refuses to leave, spreading his baggage everywhere, filling up corners of your space that you thought you'd locked up to this odious intruder.  He comes.  He lingers.  He robs you of your years.  Then before you know it, you've missed out on the joys in the journey, the growth that comes from battling through the difficulties, the sweet and savory experience of creating the memories"

OUCH!  Creating memories.  It's so easy to go through life going through motions and not savoring them.  In the book, the ladies are enjoying a dessert.  When the one snaps out of it and realizes they have mindlessly eaten the entire thing, she snatches up the plate and begins to scrape every last bite.  What are you leaving on the plate?  Me.....I'm leaving a lot of opportunities in supporting and being present in my family's lives.  Time passes quickly

Today...............I have done a lot of thinking about what it means to be a wife and a mom.  While I am a good mom and a good wife, there is always room for improvement.  I am going to begin my focus on meeting my family where they are.  You might say...what does that mean?  That means, I am going to go fishing with Cody because it's his love.  I'm going to spend my time discovering the joy that is in their lives and find a way to share in it with them. 

This is my beginning resolution.......A resolution to let go and let God lead me where he wants me to go.  Leave discontent in the dust and realize that this moment, everything that I am will always be enough in His eyes.

Until next time....Take Care and God Bless!

Fighting the Imperfect Battle I call Life

Imperfection-----such a tough concept for me to swallow.  Today it's around my chronic illnesses.  I have hashed this out in counseling many times but struggle to make it stick in my gut.  Sometimes, I just don't get it.  And that drives me CRAZY!!!!!  😄    I am very frustrated with myself and the pattern of self sabotage that I discover.  I am also frustrated that the chronic illnesses I have are not a perfect science.  For me, Life is a constant cycle. 

One time I was told about the conveyer belt of life.  See in life, we often revisit the same issues over and over and over.  One person told me they got through the patterns by looking at life as a conveyer belt.  On it, there are lots of things.  Good memories and bad thoughts.  The good things are all out in their glory.  But, the bad things we need to put in a bag.  As we go through life, this conveyer belt continues to move.  But, as we begin to grow, the bags come by and we open them, close them and say I've already worked through this.  Another person said the conveyer belt leads to Heaven and we have to let go and let God handle it.  Put your worries in the bag and let it go to Heaven and relieve that stress. 

Well, that was kind of a tangent.  Anyhow, the imperfect battle we fight.  I get so mad sometimes.  I am doing everything I'm supposed to.  Testing, Taking Meds, Eating Right, Exercising, Spiritual and Relationship work.  And then SMACK right in the face something doesn't go right.  My blood sugar spikes, I get depressed, I gain weight.  Sigh.  These are the times of devastation that the self sabotage sets in.  I say to myself, well that was pointless.  I am doing everything I'm supposed to and still THIS happens. 

The reality that I know in my head is that our bodies are never a perfect science.  And particularly, with chronic illnesses  like diabetes and bipolar, there are going to be variables.  I know this.  I really do.  The problem is the acceptance that this is my new norm for the rest of my life.  The other reality is that no one's path is straight.  Everyone has ripples in this walk we call life.  I just pray and hope that as I continue to grow on my journey, acceptance becomes an easier path to find.

It's that disconnect between the intelligence in my head and the feelings that flood my heart that is hard for me to deal with.  Self sabotage.  With counseling, I understand it is the lack of self worth.  But why can't I recognize that I am wonderful in the eyes of others, friends, family, and most of all God.  I do believe all things happen for a reason and know that the cards I am dealt are for a purpose.  I just hope that I continue to fulfill this purpose on my journey.

Until next time, remind yourself, while the path may not be straight, the path is yours.  Choose to live in the joy of the journey.  Take care and God Bless

Traversing through a Yellow Light

Driving through life can seem like a simplistic task.  Green Light----Go.  Red Light-----Stop.  But what happens when you hit a yellow light.  Proceed with caution.....prepare to stop.....what is the right move to make.  Today I find myself coming up to a yellow light and wondering what to do.  As a mom of two busy kids, I am finding myself at the yellow light of depression.  I have been playing single mom for almost two weeks now at home.  While life is still happening, I find myself frozen in self care and struggling to realize that I have to make my life happen still.  There is this quality that I have that I don't always enjoy.  It's anxiety.  It comes in many forms for me.  As of late, it is the fear that I am not doing enough to enstill my kids happiness.  While my heart knows that I am a great mom full of supportive behaviors my stinkin' thinkin' is hitting hard.  In the past few days, I have found myself smiling even laughing on the outside but in the inside beginning to feel somewhat empty.  I have placed my own needs on the backburner and forgot to put on my own oxygen mask.  As I described to my friend, I feel like I'm standing in quick sand and searching for the rope to pull me out.  I know a lot of analogies, but I am a very visual person and that's how I roll.  At any rate, sometimes when I am driving on the road, and I see a yellow light, I pause for a moment.  Do I give it gas and go through?  Do I drive normally through the yellow with caution?  Or do I put on the brakes and stop?  When at a crossroads like this in life, I try to apply the same thoughts.  I don't think gassing and going through is the right answer.  This just puts a mask over reality.  On the other side of the spectrum, putting on the brakes isn't going to work either.  I choose this option often and find myself stuck in a place where I can't seem to get out of.  That is what I have been doing.  So today, I need to slowly release the brake and ease into the intersection of life.  Where do I begin?  The only answer I have to this question is the answer my counselor has given me many times.  By looking at myself.  I cannot begin to help anyone unless I begin to pull myself up.  I have GOT to get back to working out.  It's the one thing that I do for ME.  Just for ME.  Not because anyone else makes me but because I want to help MYSELF feel better.  There lies the anxiety.  I did my best when I came to work and worked out before hand.  But it's been so long......EVERYONE will watch me.....You know, because that's what everyone is there for to watch me.  Sigh.  The problem is this.....I can be encouraged, challenged, and make promises.  But, until I decide that I am worth it, it is a mood point.  So character building.  What a tough one for me.  Realizing that the love and kindness others feel about me and the kindness and love I treat others with is what I need to learn to treat myself with.  I am a work in progress but I am not alone in the progress.  I am surrounded by supportive people who want to see me succeed.  So today.....I shall pull my boot straps up and let go of the emergency brake.  I don't know what that intersection holds for me, but know that as long as I stand still, I am getting nowhere.  So, please send some prayers and good vibes my way as I begin to fight an episode of anxiety and mild depression.  My counselor is there and working me through it.  Love you all...Take care and God Bless!