Fighting the Imperfect Battle I call Life

Imperfection-----such a tough concept for me to swallow.  Today it's around my chronic illnesses.  I have hashed this out in counseling many times but struggle to make it stick in my gut.  Sometimes, I just don't get it.  And that drives me CRAZY!!!!!  😄    I am very frustrated with myself and the pattern of self sabotage that I discover.  I am also frustrated that the chronic illnesses I have are not a perfect science.  For me, Life is a constant cycle. 

One time I was told about the conveyer belt of life.  See in life, we often revisit the same issues over and over and over.  One person told me they got through the patterns by looking at life as a conveyer belt.  On it, there are lots of things.  Good memories and bad thoughts.  The good things are all out in their glory.  But, the bad things we need to put in a bag.  As we go through life, this conveyer belt continues to move.  But, as we begin to grow, the bags come by and we open them, close them and say I've already worked through this.  Another person said the conveyer belt leads to Heaven and we have to let go and let God handle it.  Put your worries in the bag and let it go to Heaven and relieve that stress. 

Well, that was kind of a tangent.  Anyhow, the imperfect battle we fight.  I get so mad sometimes.  I am doing everything I'm supposed to.  Testing, Taking Meds, Eating Right, Exercising, Spiritual and Relationship work.  And then SMACK right in the face something doesn't go right.  My blood sugar spikes, I get depressed, I gain weight.  Sigh.  These are the times of devastation that the self sabotage sets in.  I say to myself, well that was pointless.  I am doing everything I'm supposed to and still THIS happens. 

The reality that I know in my head is that our bodies are never a perfect science.  And particularly, with chronic illnesses  like diabetes and bipolar, there are going to be variables.  I know this.  I really do.  The problem is the acceptance that this is my new norm for the rest of my life.  The other reality is that no one's path is straight.  Everyone has ripples in this walk we call life.  I just pray and hope that as I continue to grow on my journey, acceptance becomes an easier path to find.

It's that disconnect between the intelligence in my head and the feelings that flood my heart that is hard for me to deal with.  Self sabotage.  With counseling, I understand it is the lack of self worth.  But why can't I recognize that I am wonderful in the eyes of others, friends, family, and most of all God.  I do believe all things happen for a reason and know that the cards I am dealt are for a purpose.  I just hope that I continue to fulfill this purpose on my journey.

Until next time, remind yourself, while the path may not be straight, the path is yours.  Choose to live in the joy of the journey.  Take care and God Bless