Living through the Diagnosis

It's 6:45 Am and I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room for more testing. Over the years, I've endured a lot of tests and know this is just another one, but yet I feel sad. I am going to be tested for Gasteroparesis. It's a side effect of diabetes that effects your digestion. So why by sad. Because, it's just another possibility of another diagnosis. I'm sooo tired of this. So I'm brought into the room at 7 and am told the test will last up to 4 hours. Essentially, you eat some eggs with radioactive stuff in it and they follow it through the digestion process through X-rays. FOUR HOURS!!! So they scan you immediately, then every half hour for 2 hours and then every hour up until 4 hours. It's not a painful test, just an x-ray but the waiting. On we go. I finally finish the 4 hours and go home. I anxiously wait for the results. Then they come.....I have gasteroparesis. THUD. I knew I did just from the symptoms I have had but still wasn't ready to hear it for sure. So what do I do next, I call my sister and my mom. I talk all positively about the relief of knowing. And it was a real conversation but inside I still felt saddened. Later that evening, I sit home and cry. Why is it that every time something could potentially be wrong, it is. Why is it that it's always me. Why am I the "freak of nature" my husband jokingly calls me. So I go to bed sad realizing that this is another life altering moment in my life. How will I take it? What will I do with it? Will I sit in my sorrows or grow? This is a pivotal moment for me. I've had several moments like these, but here I am 44 years old sitting with yet another diagnosis and realizing that maybe just maybe God is whispering/yelling to me to slow down and take care of myself. Its time for change! So, how am I going to change? What does gasteroparesis mean? Essentially, it's the slowing of the emptying of your stomach. The nerves are impacted by diabetes. So, here is the hard part for me. I want to go all in. I'm gonna start walking a bazillion miles and only eat healthy, etc. But, then what happens consistently is I give up. So, here's the down and dirty. It's time for a mindset change above all else. Do something today different than you did yesterday. That's all you can do is improve yourself and keep changing daily. That's my wish today....may I be different today than I was yesterday. Plan something different. Walk a little. Eat a little different. May we all be blessed with a new morning, a new chance! Until next time, take care and God Bless.!

Don’t Stop Believing

I think there’s a song about that.  But for me, It’s just hard to believe in my heart.  I know I’m not alone in this battle of the mind.  I know that I’m not unique in my disbelief in my own self worth.  And most of all, I know I’m not alone in not believing that I can commit and follow through.

But, I try and keep on trying.  And for that, I give myself a round of applause.

So today, once again, I decide to persevere and continue on my journey.  I recently got a Renpho scale.  It shows you your weight and then links to an app.  The app shows your BMI, and some other data based on your height.  The realization is rough.  But, as you know, we all start somewhere.  And for me, I push on.

So here are the reality numbers

And here are my starter pictures

So, how am I going to change?  What am I going to do with myself?  The answer is I don’t know.  I’m tired of crash dieting.  I’m tired of giving up.  But, it’s so hard.  I have a support circle.  I have a wonderful fitness motivation group I belong to on facebook.  I have the access to workout things.  And what do I do?  NOTHING.  But, I have to do it.  I have to do it for myself, my kids, and my future.  I want to witness weddings.  I want to live.  I want to thrive and not just survive.  So, I am asking for support in my journey.  Support like I’ve never had before.  Whether or not I do it on my own or look at weight loss surgery.  I will make it.  I can do it.  Thanks all.  Until next time, take care and God Bless!

What box are you in?

As most of you know, my faith is very important to me.  Sometimes, in difficult times, I turn away.  But, I always circle back to my faith and what I know to be truth.

This week Water’s Edge Sermon was interesting to me.  I talks about boxes we put ourselves, others, and God into.  So, I sat and thought about it.  You know, I started this blog in 2015.  My life 5 years ago, my mental health, my physical health was in a very different place than it is now.  Mentally, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar.  Physical, I had been diabetic for about 10 years.  Yet, the acceptance was still not there.

So, why do I bring this up?  Well my very first blog post was about this very topic.

I find it interesting that in 5 years, I still find myself in a box.  I still find myself struggling to break through and become Julie.  I think we all struggle with this at time.  Here’s what I believe to be the key.  It’s ok to operate in different boxes.  But, we have to know that we can’t do it all at one time.  It’s ok to rearrange the boxes.

Now, putting others in boxes.  That’s another tough one.  I do that.   This person is a do-Gooder.  This one is a workaholic.  Etc.  This is hard to break.

Then the final aspect, putting God in a box.  I can’t wait for my Bible study group tomorrow to talk about this.  I guess my take on it is this.  I put God in a box of “Good”. Meaning that I think he is only there for us when we are “behaving”. But, this isn’t true.  God is there in thick and thin.  He is there to help us through the bad times and celebrate the good times with us.  He isn’t only there when you are doing great in all your boxes.  He’s there to lift you.  He’s not only there when you are happy and nice and all rainbows and smiles.  He’s also there to pull you out of the tunnel.  When we think he’s gone and we don’t have any hope.  There he is, patiently waiting for our call.  This is hard for me.  When I am in a dark place, when I feel imperfect, I think I’m successful at hiding from my Faith.  Yet, he sees all and knows all in our hearts.  We are all works in progress and the teacher is always silent when you are being tested.  So, just remember, he is still there in your room, in your heart, in your darkness.  Reach out in prayer, journal, whatever your outlet may be.  Reach out and he will respond with open arms and ears.

Until next time, Take care and God Bless!

All or Nothing?

Hello faithful followers.  I’m writing in the midst of a unique time of isolation.  We are in the middle of a pandemic due to Coronavirus/Covid-19.  I have not worked at my office since March 19.  Very surreal.  Yet, I am very grateful for having the opportunity to work from home and still maintain my job.  Others are not so lucky.

So what is my topic for today?  All or nothing....what does that mean?  Time for a trip inside the mind of Julie....WOO HOOO! Ok, so in the past let’s say 43 years, I’ve found myself in an all or nothing mindset.  I hate it.  But, it’s real.  I know I’m not alone in this.

For the past week, I have been helping to run a fitness/nutrition group on facebook ran by my Beachbody coach.  Now, for those of you that know me, posting about my life is not exactly in my comfort zone.  But, Shannon encouraged me that I could do it.  And you know what, I could and did.

So, here’s my social anxiety in full bloom and yet I set a goal and did it.  So, today was my final post for the group.  Here is what I posted....Ok all, raise your hand if you’re an all or nothing thinker.  C’mon tell me I’m not alone.. So, I’ve been thinking this last week about goals.  My sister and I talk frequently about taking one baby step and mastering it before moving on.  So, what is it?  What is your one goal?  When would you like to achieve it by?  True confession time.  I’m a soda addict.  I don’t keep it at home, but out to dinner or grabbing food, it’s there in my face.  And yes, it’s real soda.  Not diet, not zeron.  100% pure junk.  So, that’s my goal.  I want to eliminate it for the next month.  Now tag, you’re it.

There you have it.  All the time, when stuck in my own mind, I think of 10-15 things I’m determined to change about myself.  ALL AT ONE TIME!

HMM....I can’t figure out why i feel like I fail all the time.  Oh wait, cuz I set myself up for it.

So, why am I writing this?  To offer grace.  To offer grace to others and to myself.  To learn that it’s ok to not change/fix everything at one time.  It’s a tough lesson for me, but very necessary at the same time.  So, please join me in my journey of faith and grace.  Love yourself for who you are.  Set reasonable goals one at a time.  Don’t think that all is wrong with you and your life.  Take it from me, it gets you nowhere.

Thanks for all the love and constant support.  Take care and God bless!