Living through the Diagnosis

It's 6:45 Am and I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room for more testing. Over the years, I've endured a lot of tests and know this is just another one, but yet I feel sad. I am going to be tested for Gasteroparesis. It's a side effect of diabetes that effects your digestion. So why by sad. Because, it's just another possibility of another diagnosis. I'm sooo tired of this. So I'm brought into the room at 7 and am told the test will last up to 4 hours. Essentially, you eat some eggs with radioactive stuff in it and they follow it through the digestion process through X-rays. FOUR HOURS!!! So they scan you immediately, then every half hour for 2 hours and then every hour up until 4 hours. It's not a painful test, just an x-ray but the waiting. On we go. I finally finish the 4 hours and go home. I anxiously wait for the results. Then they come.....I have gasteroparesis. THUD. I knew I did just from the symptoms I have had but still wasn't ready to hear it for sure. So what do I do next, I call my sister and my mom. I talk all positively about the relief of knowing. And it was a real conversation but inside I still felt saddened. Later that evening, I sit home and cry. Why is it that every time something could potentially be wrong, it is. Why is it that it's always me. Why am I the "freak of nature" my husband jokingly calls me. So I go to bed sad realizing that this is another life altering moment in my life. How will I take it? What will I do with it? Will I sit in my sorrows or grow? This is a pivotal moment for me. I've had several moments like these, but here I am 44 years old sitting with yet another diagnosis and realizing that maybe just maybe God is whispering/yelling to me to slow down and take care of myself. Its time for change! So, how am I going to change? What does gasteroparesis mean? Essentially, it's the slowing of the emptying of your stomach. The nerves are impacted by diabetes. So, here is the hard part for me. I want to go all in. I'm gonna start walking a bazillion miles and only eat healthy, etc. But, then what happens consistently is I give up. So, here's the down and dirty. It's time for a mindset change above all else. Do something today different than you did yesterday. That's all you can do is improve yourself and keep changing daily. That's my wish today....may I be different today than I was yesterday. Plan something different. Walk a little. Eat a little different. May we all be blessed with a new morning, a new chance! Until next time, take care and God Bless.!

Don’t Stop Believing

I think there’s a song about that.  But for me, It’s just hard to believe in my heart.  I know I’m not alone in this battle of the mind.  I know that I’m not unique in my disbelief in my own self worth.  And most of all, I know I’m not alone in not believing that I can commit and follow through.

But, I try and keep on trying.  And for that, I give myself a round of applause.

So today, once again, I decide to persevere and continue on my journey.  I recently got a Renpho scale.  It shows you your weight and then links to an app.  The app shows your BMI, and some other data based on your height.  The realization is rough.  But, as you know, we all start somewhere.  And for me, I push on.

So here are the reality numbers

And here are my starter pictures

So, how am I going to change?  What am I going to do with myself?  The answer is I don’t know.  I’m tired of crash dieting.  I’m tired of giving up.  But, it’s so hard.  I have a support circle.  I have a wonderful fitness motivation group I belong to on facebook.  I have the access to workout things.  And what do I do?  NOTHING.  But, I have to do it.  I have to do it for myself, my kids, and my future.  I want to witness weddings.  I want to live.  I want to thrive and not just survive.  So, I am asking for support in my journey.  Support like I’ve never had before.  Whether or not I do it on my own or look at weight loss surgery.  I will make it.  I can do it.  Thanks all.  Until next time, take care and God Bless!

What box are you in?

As most of you know, my faith is very important to me.  Sometimes, in difficult times, I turn away.  But, I always circle back to my faith and what I know to be truth.

This week Water’s Edge Sermon was interesting to me.  I talks about boxes we put ourselves, others, and God into.  So, I sat and thought about it.  You know, I started this blog in 2015.  My life 5 years ago, my mental health, my physical health was in a very different place than it is now.  Mentally, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar.  Physical, I had been diabetic for about 10 years.  Yet, the acceptance was still not there.

So, why do I bring this up?  Well my very first blog post was about this very topic.

I find it interesting that in 5 years, I still find myself in a box.  I still find myself struggling to break through and become Julie.  I think we all struggle with this at time.  Here’s what I believe to be the key.  It’s ok to operate in different boxes.  But, we have to know that we can’t do it all at one time.  It’s ok to rearrange the boxes.

Now, putting others in boxes.  That’s another tough one.  I do that.   This person is a do-Gooder.  This one is a workaholic.  Etc.  This is hard to break.

Then the final aspect, putting God in a box.  I can’t wait for my Bible study group tomorrow to talk about this.  I guess my take on it is this.  I put God in a box of “Good”. Meaning that I think he is only there for us when we are “behaving”. But, this isn’t true.  God is there in thick and thin.  He is there to help us through the bad times and celebrate the good times with us.  He isn’t only there when you are doing great in all your boxes.  He’s there to lift you.  He’s not only there when you are happy and nice and all rainbows and smiles.  He’s also there to pull you out of the tunnel.  When we think he’s gone and we don’t have any hope.  There he is, patiently waiting for our call.  This is hard for me.  When I am in a dark place, when I feel imperfect, I think I’m successful at hiding from my Faith.  Yet, he sees all and knows all in our hearts.  We are all works in progress and the teacher is always silent when you are being tested.  So, just remember, he is still there in your room, in your heart, in your darkness.  Reach out in prayer, journal, whatever your outlet may be.  Reach out and he will respond with open arms and ears.

Until next time, Take care and God Bless!

All or Nothing?

Hello faithful followers.  I’m writing in the midst of a unique time of isolation.  We are in the middle of a pandemic due to Coronavirus/Covid-19.  I have not worked at my office since March 19.  Very surreal.  Yet, I am very grateful for having the opportunity to work from home and still maintain my job.  Others are not so lucky.

So what is my topic for today?  All or nothing....what does that mean?  Time for a trip inside the mind of Julie....WOO HOOO! Ok, so in the past let’s say 43 years, I’ve found myself in an all or nothing mindset.  I hate it.  But, it’s real.  I know I’m not alone in this.

For the past week, I have been helping to run a fitness/nutrition group on facebook ran by my Beachbody coach.  Now, for those of you that know me, posting about my life is not exactly in my comfort zone.  But, Shannon encouraged me that I could do it.  And you know what, I could and did.

So, here’s my social anxiety in full bloom and yet I set a goal and did it.  So, today was my final post for the group.  Here is what I posted....Ok all, raise your hand if you’re an all or nothing thinker.  C’mon tell me I’m not alone.. So, I’ve been thinking this last week about goals.  My sister and I talk frequently about taking one baby step and mastering it before moving on.  So, what is it?  What is your one goal?  When would you like to achieve it by?  True confession time.  I’m a soda addict.  I don’t keep it at home, but out to dinner or grabbing food, it’s there in my face.  And yes, it’s real soda.  Not diet, not zeron.  100% pure junk.  So, that’s my goal.  I want to eliminate it for the next month.  Now tag, you’re it.

There you have it.  All the time, when stuck in my own mind, I think of 10-15 things I’m determined to change about myself.  ALL AT ONE TIME!

HMM....I can’t figure out why i feel like I fail all the time.  Oh wait, cuz I set myself up for it.

So, why am I writing this?  To offer grace.  To offer grace to others and to myself.  To learn that it’s ok to not change/fix everything at one time.  It’s a tough lesson for me, but very necessary at the same time.  So, please join me in my journey of faith and grace.  Love yourself for who you are.  Set reasonable goals one at a time.  Don’t think that all is wrong with you and your life.  Take it from me, it gets you nowhere.

Thanks for all the love and constant support.  Take care and God bless!

The Miracle Morning

" The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams."

I am in a Facebook accountability group with some friends of mine.  While it was initially set up as a group about fitness and nutrition, it has become a group of friends trying to be the best us we can be.  Recently, the leader told us of a book titled The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM ) By Hal Elrod.

Well, first of all, who doesn't like secrets.  On top of that.....who wouldn't like to transform our life?  Sounds too good to be true doesn't it?  Well, Hal's book rewinds back to the basics and helps you to change step by step.

One of my favorite quotes he wrote is "You are just as worthy, deserving, and capable of creating and sustaining extraordinary health, wealth, happiness, love, and success in your life, as any other person on earth"  Let that soak in.  I sometimes don't believe this in my heart of hearts.  Yet, this hit me and said Yes I Am.

I could send quotes and quotes from the book that I loved.  But, the overall theme is, you  have to believe in yourself in order to see successes.  He says "Our outer world will always be a reflection of our inner world"

So, today may not be like any other day.  But, to me, I see....there's a light in my tunnel.  It's about me learning to go towards the light instead of staying in my pity party.

So, join me in the light.  Wake up each day grateful for the blessings and looking at the not so blessings as learning opportunities.  As a friend of mine at work on the same journey continues to say.....We Got This!

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Human Being or Human Doing

Groceries, work, school, dinners, fitness, meetings, phones, internet...the list could go on forever.  Today's society teaches us that MORE is more.  Doing more things will make us feel accomplished and happy.  And, unfortunately, I like many others have fallen into this same trap.  But, let's stop and check......how are we really feeling?  Do you wake up excited to go run the marathon once again.  Do you feel confidence that you never had?

Ok, so time for evaluation.  There are certainly things in our lives that we have to do to maintain life.  Getting food and going to work/school are necessities.  But, at what speed.  Do we have to drive over the speed limit and squeeze something into every second of our day/night.  Is it healthy for us? 

Yesterday, I began seeing a new counselor.  She said that we spend too much time as human doings that we don't take time to be human beings.

Human being--what does that mean?  Well here is my take on it.  Being is just existing, living in the moment and savoring the experience.  It's all part of self care and reflection.  Do we do that?  Do we ever really take time to just sit and reflect on what's around us, not always inside of us.  I know that I don't. 

We did some deep breathing exercises.  I breathe, right, we all do.  But wow, you don't realize the shallow breathing you do until you really take 3-5 minutes to knock it off.  Racing heart gone, clenched fists gone.  Just you, silence, and your breath.  She said...your breath is powerful and I realized how true that was.  Just sitting and breathing.  Truly trying to relax every part of your body.  Just simplicity but powerful none the less

So last night, I had church group.  I have some definite people anxiety but have realized without transparency, relationships don't form completely.  So, I have chosen to pick what I call safe environments to open up about my mental health struggles.  This is one of them.  They immediately asked how the new counselor went.  You know, in one of few rare moments in my life I was like, these people genuinely care about me for me.  Not because I'm Mac or Cody's mom.....Neal's wife....etc.  They look at me as someone with value in their life.  Wow...what an awesome feeling.

Now, here's the kicker.  I am challenging myself to find value in my own life, in my own being.  It's easy for others to tell you things and let them settle in your head.  But, settling in your heart is a whole other world.

So, today, I pledge to slow down and quit being a human doing.  I pledge that I will take the time to observe things around me and the greatness God has surrounded me with.  The blessings that I have been given in this life on earth. 

Often times, I have found it easy to have a self pity party, I mean I have lots of struggles I battle.  But, we never know what others are battling.  So, in church group we talked about slowing down and being a listener rather than a judge.  I pledge that I'm going to realize that we don't know others stories and we need to work on genuine care and concern for all human beings. 

In closing, I have rambled on.  But, I used to come into work early to have some Julie time in peace.  I've found myself rushing in the morning and losing that time. 

So for today, I shall close with a deep breath and encourage us all to find something positive to focus on, be it large or small, this positivity can change the world.

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Living Through the Trials with Grace & Faith

So, it's been awhile since I've written.  Life and Time just seems to pass by so quickly anymore.  So what have I been up to. 

Well, this past month has been a rough time.  Sometimes in life, we feel like we are trucking along doing fine.  Sometimes during those times, we have trials in front of us.  This month has been that for me.

Physically:  My diabetes took a dive this month.  The end of June, I began to have elevated blood sugars.  I couldn't really connect the why and just assumed that it would get better by itself.  So three days at work, giving insulin boosts 25 units at a time with no improvement.  Thursday came and I just didn't feel great.  So I went to lay down at 6:00.  Mac came in and asked what was wrong.  I said I didn't feel good. She asked what my blood sugar was.  I said over 600.  She said how long?  I said 3 days.  She said I'll be back.  Bless this kid.  Next came her and Neal asking if I should go into the hospital.  Now, those of you that have known me, I have had way too much quality time in that place and can't stand having to go.  But, at this time, I knew it was what I needed to do.  So, hair a mess, and in my pajamas, Neal took me to Lakeside Hospital here in Omaha.  He left me in the ER because I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  Got into a room and they drew some blood.  Blood sugar 767.  sigh.  And with that, I knew I would probably be kept inpatient.  Long story short, I was there through Monday.  I was off of the insulin pump on an insulin drip in ICU.  They sent me home on insulin shots with the thinking that my pump had malfunctioned.  I saw my endocrine on Tuesday.  We agreed to call the pump people and do some tests on it and then transition back to my pump.  All the tests worked fine so back on the pump and sensor by the end of the week.  All was ok...right?

Emotionally:  So, all was fine, right.  I'm out of the hospital and back on the pump.  Hip Hip Hooray!  Well, then came the curtain of shame I have often dealt with.  Diabetes for me has never been an exact science as I'm considered a brittle diabetic.  And you know what, it just stinks.  Why can't I just MAKE it work?  Why can't I just BE NORMAL?  Bam....they why's become because you aren't capables and the aren't worthy.  I know that's a large jump but it's how my brain works and being transparent is the best way to personal connections.  So, I see my counselor.  Right out of the hospital.  I'm in euphoria from getting out of the hospital and back to work and it was like a concrete process.  But, then a week later,  The process is done and I'm stuck with my own thoughts.  They are ugly.  I just knew I had caused my diabetes to mess up.  If I had only poked my finger one more time, ate one more vegetable, it would've changed the outcome. 

So then comes yesterday, my next counseling appointment is here.  The first question I'm always asked is how are you?  My immediate response was exhausted.  Without hesitation, there it is.  But, what did I mean.  Was I sleepy?  No.  I just felt mentally wiped out.  Anyways, the conversation continues and I just talk about how I feel about the diseases I deal with and how hard it is.  She says that in all chronic illnesses, we cannot control 100% of what happens.  With diabetes, it's more of a 70-30 ratio.  We can control what we eat, how often we test, dr appts.  But, what number pops up on that screen is out of my control.  Wow.  That sounds so basic but for me it was eye opening.  Then comes the bipolar.  That is more 60-40 she says.  Because I can control that I take my medicine, and who I surround myself with.  But, 40% of the time my emotional state may vary.  Again, a realization

So What's New Right?  Well here's something that is new that is also in this mix.  I am having hearing loss.  A little more than a year ago, I noticed upon waking up that I wasn't hearing hardly at all.  But, I just thought it was a morning phenomenon.  About 2 months ago, I noticed it more frequently to the point that people around me were pointing it out.  So, I went to my primary care dr.  I essentially failed the hearing test on my left ear.  My right ear I missed the lower tones.  So we weren't sure the cause and he put me on an antibiotic for 2 weeks just to ensure it wasn't an infection.  My follow up was Thursday.  The tests did not show improvement.  So, I have an appt Monday with an ENT.  But, then comes the mind....you know nothing ever turns out ok...you know it's probably cuz you screwed up your diabetes...and there it goes.  SIGH!

So What's the Conclusion?  My counselor said, I need to surround myself with caring people.  I need to know that it's ok to be taken care of sometimes.  That's hard, see, I always feel like I have to be the caretaker and with everything going on, I'm exhausted.  And here's the other tough piece, as discussed in previous blogs, I am kind of an introvert.  So, this would involve reaching out in vulnerability.  But I did it.  I texted my friend from church that I've know since the kids were just little.  We are doing breakfast next Sunday before church.  Then I texted two of the girls in my small group and asked if we could do dinner this week.  And you know what.....I'm still alive.  It didn't kill me to reach out!  :-)

Today at Church.  So, this morning I went to church with family.  After church, another of the women from small group came up to me and said she had read my blog and that my story was inspirational.  What a fantastic word.  From Me?  I was flattered.  She said, I don't say stuff unless I mean it.  So, here's my a ha moment.  No matter how screwed up you feel, no matter how ashamed you are.....be transparent.  Let others know what you're going through cuz we never know what chapter others are in.  And by developing personal relationships, the ebb and flow ensues.  Sometimes, they may need you to be their rock.  Others, it's the opposite.  But, being our own rock is a sure way to sink in the ocean of life.

In closing, I want to thank the motivational people in my life who keep supporting me.  You know who you are.  I hope you all know the daily/minutes of impact that you continue to make in my life.  I hope that you all realize that I am there for you all too. 

Until next time, take care and God Bless!