The Miracle Morning

" The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams."

I am in a Facebook accountability group with some friends of mine.  While it was initially set up as a group about fitness and nutrition, it has become a group of friends trying to be the best us we can be.  Recently, the leader told us of a book titled The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM ) By Hal Elrod.

Well, first of all, who doesn't like secrets.  On top of that.....who wouldn't like to transform our life?  Sounds too good to be true doesn't it?  Well, Hal's book rewinds back to the basics and helps you to change step by step.

One of my favorite quotes he wrote is "You are just as worthy, deserving, and capable of creating and sustaining extraordinary health, wealth, happiness, love, and success in your life, as any other person on earth"  Let that soak in.  I sometimes don't believe this in my heart of hearts.  Yet, this hit me and said Yes I Am.

I could send quotes and quotes from the book that I loved.  But, the overall theme is, you  have to believe in yourself in order to see successes.  He says "Our outer world will always be a reflection of our inner world"

So, today may not be like any other day.  But, to me, I see....there's a light in my tunnel.  It's about me learning to go towards the light instead of staying in my pity party.

So, join me in the light.  Wake up each day grateful for the blessings and looking at the not so blessings as learning opportunities.  As a friend of mine at work on the same journey continues to say.....We Got This!

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Human Being or Human Doing

Groceries, work, school, dinners, fitness, meetings, phones, internet...the list could go on forever.  Today's society teaches us that MORE is more.  Doing more things will make us feel accomplished and happy.  And, unfortunately, I like many others have fallen into this same trap.  But, let's stop and check......how are we really feeling?  Do you wake up excited to go run the marathon once again.  Do you feel confidence that you never had?

Ok, so time for evaluation.  There are certainly things in our lives that we have to do to maintain life.  Getting food and going to work/school are necessities.  But, at what speed.  Do we have to drive over the speed limit and squeeze something into every second of our day/night.  Is it healthy for us? 

Yesterday, I began seeing a new counselor.  She said that we spend too much time as human doings that we don't take time to be human beings.

Human being--what does that mean?  Well here is my take on it.  Being is just existing, living in the moment and savoring the experience.  It's all part of self care and reflection.  Do we do that?  Do we ever really take time to just sit and reflect on what's around us, not always inside of us.  I know that I don't. 

We did some deep breathing exercises.  I breathe, right, we all do.  But wow, you don't realize the shallow breathing you do until you really take 3-5 minutes to knock it off.  Racing heart gone, clenched fists gone.  Just you, silence, and your breath.  She said...your breath is powerful and I realized how true that was.  Just sitting and breathing.  Truly trying to relax every part of your body.  Just simplicity but powerful none the less

So last night, I had church group.  I have some definite people anxiety but have realized without transparency, relationships don't form completely.  So, I have chosen to pick what I call safe environments to open up about my mental health struggles.  This is one of them.  They immediately asked how the new counselor went.  You know, in one of few rare moments in my life I was like, these people genuinely care about me for me.  Not because I'm Mac or Cody's mom.....Neal's wife....etc.  They look at me as someone with value in their life.  Wow...what an awesome feeling.

Now, here's the kicker.  I am challenging myself to find value in my own life, in my own being.  It's easy for others to tell you things and let them settle in your head.  But, settling in your heart is a whole other world.

So, today, I pledge to slow down and quit being a human doing.  I pledge that I will take the time to observe things around me and the greatness God has surrounded me with.  The blessings that I have been given in this life on earth. 

Often times, I have found it easy to have a self pity party, I mean I have lots of struggles I battle.  But, we never know what others are battling.  So, in church group we talked about slowing down and being a listener rather than a judge.  I pledge that I'm going to realize that we don't know others stories and we need to work on genuine care and concern for all human beings. 

In closing, I have rambled on.  But, I used to come into work early to have some Julie time in peace.  I've found myself rushing in the morning and losing that time. 

So for today, I shall close with a deep breath and encourage us all to find something positive to focus on, be it large or small, this positivity can change the world.

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Living Through the Trials with Grace & Faith

So, it's been awhile since I've written.  Life and Time just seems to pass by so quickly anymore.  So what have I been up to. 

Well, this past month has been a rough time.  Sometimes in life, we feel like we are trucking along doing fine.  Sometimes during those times, we have trials in front of us.  This month has been that for me.

Physically:  My diabetes took a dive this month.  The end of June, I began to have elevated blood sugars.  I couldn't really connect the why and just assumed that it would get better by itself.  So three days at work, giving insulin boosts 25 units at a time with no improvement.  Thursday came and I just didn't feel great.  So I went to lay down at 6:00.  Mac came in and asked what was wrong.  I said I didn't feel good. She asked what my blood sugar was.  I said over 600.  She said how long?  I said 3 days.  She said I'll be back.  Bless this kid.  Next came her and Neal asking if I should go into the hospital.  Now, those of you that have known me, I have had way too much quality time in that place and can't stand having to go.  But, at this time, I knew it was what I needed to do.  So, hair a mess, and in my pajamas, Neal took me to Lakeside Hospital here in Omaha.  He left me in the ER because I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  Got into a room and they drew some blood.  Blood sugar 767.  sigh.  And with that, I knew I would probably be kept inpatient.  Long story short, I was there through Monday.  I was off of the insulin pump on an insulin drip in ICU.  They sent me home on insulin shots with the thinking that my pump had malfunctioned.  I saw my endocrine on Tuesday.  We agreed to call the pump people and do some tests on it and then transition back to my pump.  All the tests worked fine so back on the pump and sensor by the end of the week.  All was ok...right?

Emotionally:  So, all was fine, right.  I'm out of the hospital and back on the pump.  Hip Hip Hooray!  Well, then came the curtain of shame I have often dealt with.  Diabetes for me has never been an exact science as I'm considered a brittle diabetic.  And you know what, it just stinks.  Why can't I just MAKE it work?  Why can't I just BE NORMAL?  Bam....they why's become because you aren't capables and the aren't worthy.  I know that's a large jump but it's how my brain works and being transparent is the best way to personal connections.  So, I see my counselor.  Right out of the hospital.  I'm in euphoria from getting out of the hospital and back to work and it was like a concrete process.  But, then a week later,  The process is done and I'm stuck with my own thoughts.  They are ugly.  I just knew I had caused my diabetes to mess up.  If I had only poked my finger one more time, ate one more vegetable, it would've changed the outcome. 

So then comes yesterday, my next counseling appointment is here.  The first question I'm always asked is how are you?  My immediate response was exhausted.  Without hesitation, there it is.  But, what did I mean.  Was I sleepy?  No.  I just felt mentally wiped out.  Anyways, the conversation continues and I just talk about how I feel about the diseases I deal with and how hard it is.  She says that in all chronic illnesses, we cannot control 100% of what happens.  With diabetes, it's more of a 70-30 ratio.  We can control what we eat, how often we test, dr appts.  But, what number pops up on that screen is out of my control.  Wow.  That sounds so basic but for me it was eye opening.  Then comes the bipolar.  That is more 60-40 she says.  Because I can control that I take my medicine, and who I surround myself with.  But, 40% of the time my emotional state may vary.  Again, a realization

So What's New Right?  Well here's something that is new that is also in this mix.  I am having hearing loss.  A little more than a year ago, I noticed upon waking up that I wasn't hearing hardly at all.  But, I just thought it was a morning phenomenon.  About 2 months ago, I noticed it more frequently to the point that people around me were pointing it out.  So, I went to my primary care dr.  I essentially failed the hearing test on my left ear.  My right ear I missed the lower tones.  So we weren't sure the cause and he put me on an antibiotic for 2 weeks just to ensure it wasn't an infection.  My follow up was Thursday.  The tests did not show improvement.  So, I have an appt Monday with an ENT.  But, then comes the mind....you know nothing ever turns out ok...you know it's probably cuz you screwed up your diabetes...and there it goes.  SIGH!

So What's the Conclusion?  My counselor said, I need to surround myself with caring people.  I need to know that it's ok to be taken care of sometimes.  That's hard, see, I always feel like I have to be the caretaker and with everything going on, I'm exhausted.  And here's the other tough piece, as discussed in previous blogs, I am kind of an introvert.  So, this would involve reaching out in vulnerability.  But I did it.  I texted my friend from church that I've know since the kids were just little.  We are doing breakfast next Sunday before church.  Then I texted two of the girls in my small group and asked if we could do dinner this week.  And you know what.....I'm still alive.  It didn't kill me to reach out!  :-)

Today at Church.  So, this morning I went to church with family.  After church, another of the women from small group came up to me and said she had read my blog and that my story was inspirational.  What a fantastic word.  From Me?  I was flattered.  She said, I don't say stuff unless I mean it.  So, here's my a ha moment.  No matter how screwed up you feel, no matter how ashamed you are.....be transparent.  Let others know what you're going through cuz we never know what chapter others are in.  And by developing personal relationships, the ebb and flow ensues.  Sometimes, they may need you to be their rock.  Others, it's the opposite.  But, being our own rock is a sure way to sink in the ocean of life.

In closing, I want to thank the motivational people in my life who keep supporting me.  You know who you are.  I hope you all know the daily/minutes of impact that you continue to make in my life.  I hope that you all realize that I am there for you all too. 

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Baby Steps and the All or Nothing Mentality

A baby takes their first steps.  They are proud and they are in awe of the new accomplishment.

As an adult, we tend to lose the awe.  Throughout the years, I have slowly stepped away from the pride that comes with each new day and struggled with the all or nothing mentality.  I start out fresh.  I start out looking at each day as a new opportunity.  But inevitably I find myself giving up.  Frustrated with myself.  Looking at what I've done and saying it's not enough.

Maybe it's around my parenting, my marriage, my friendships.  But, often times it's around self care.  While I know diabetes & bipolar are partially frustrating.  My weight is a struggle that I seem to put aside.  I am 42 now, almost 43 and I have struggled for over 10 years with this. 

Every step I take is followed by a back step over time.  Eating, Exercise,  Me time.  All of them.  I don't want to be this way the rest of my life.  I want to be a role model.  But, I often don't know where to begin.  With this mentality, I'm stuck.

So, where do I go from here?  How can I begin to acknowledge that I am enough just the way I am.  How can I take baby steps each day and acknowledge them?

All I can do is try again.  I work well with writing things down and checking off my dailies.  So, that is where I will start.  When I went to counseling this week, I discussed the struggle.  Once I made a spreadsheet.  On it, I wrote necessity, would be nice, and extras. 

So application, necessity.  Testing my blood sugars is vital to my long term side effects.  Staying on medication is necessary for mental stability.  Eating and exercise.  Here goes the all in stinkin thinkin.  I will eat healthy, I will stop snacking, I will give up sodas.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  I will workout with a trainer twice a week.  Other days, I will workout on my own for minimum of 30 minutes.  Do you think I will succeed?  Maybe for a week.  Then, I will find the backslide. 

So here's the real deal.  I will pick one meal to begin to manage.  For me, it's dinner.  I often am "tired" and don't "feel" like cooking.  I have a solid menu and don't always apply it.  So that's the game plan.  Adjust my dinners to allow myself one night of eating out.  Enlist my 2 teenage kids for help twice a week. 

Around exercise.  3x a week is reasonable.  Not 7.  And I don't have to go all in hardcore.  Walking is a baby step to success.  Move, Move, Move.  That's the theme.

So, how long do I do this to recognize successes?  While weight loss is an ultimate goal, the real why is to feel healthier.  To make it up stairs without being wiped out.  To walk to work in the 2 block tunnel without being winded.  I think a 2 week measurement is a good goal to begin with.  So here I am.  Restarting my journey to a healthier me.  Thanks to all who I know support me and will continue to be my cheerleader.  On the dark days when I feel lonely, I try to remember that I am surrounded by people who care and reach out.  Sometimes it's difficult but I know transparency will help me through.

Until next time, Take care and God Bless!

Learning through Each Other

A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel...Proverbs 1:5

I think as humans, we are taught that we can do everything by ourselves, it's called independence right?   What I've always tried to figure out is relationships then.  What are they for?  Well, I believe that God placed us on Earth together to learn from and lean on each other. 

In Genesis 2:18, The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

I struggled with this for a long time.  I wanted to be the do all, know all in my life.  I even turned away from my Faith in these times.  But, I'm back.  As one of my favorite talk show hosts Dr. Phil Says.....How's that working for you?  The answer is....not well.  I always thought that depending on others meant a sign of weakness.

However, in the past 1-2 years, I realized, I can't function alone.  I have to have others.

Here's the other struggles I've had with my Faith.  The Why's.  Why did I get Bipolar?  How come I have high social anxiety?  What about Diabetes, why did it have to be me?

I believe that we are all given different experiences so we can be brought together to learn.  No matter what hand we are dealt, it could help someone else.

Recently, I have had 2 experiences that have tested my fears.  One was a inner-church women's retreat.  At it, we were split into groups of 3-4 with total strangers.  Big time smack in my social anxiety self.  But, I spoke up and said within the group, this is really uncomfortable for me.  I struggle in social situations.  And you know what, I wasn't judged.  I made a couple of great friends that day.  They all said they admired my honesty.  What?  Admired something I did?  Once I got it out, I really got it out, we all opened up and I learned so much from them.  Without that authenticity, I don't know what the experience would have been like.

The second of these experiences is in my small group.  For years, I have searched for a group of people I could really connect and experience faith with.  What I found is I haven't always been the most receptive person either.  But, finally I found a group of women I can trust.  Here is where the trust came into play.  Sometimes, I really struggle pushing through social anxiety.  Sometimes, like EVERY Thursday which is small group night.  You know how easy it has been to find excuses.  Well, pretty darn easy.  Anyhow, today, just today, I decided to fess up to my behaviors.  I wrote a short email to the leader and the others.  In it I told them of my struggle and how I loved that I had finally found a group of truly genuine women.  That it is still very hard for me to push through the door and show up.  But, I couldn't do it without knowing that I'm in a judge free zone.  I really feel like I needed to be real about what I had going on.

I guess my overall point is that you never know what something you say, do, or have learned can help others.  So, as hard as it can be, make baby steps to put yourself out there.  It will be ok.  God's got your back.

Take care and God Bless!

Fitting In

You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart.  Psalm  139: 13-14

In life, we all have choices to make.  We all have decisions to make.  All of these choices and decisions begin to build us.  They shape who we are.  Sometimes with decisions, comes overwhelming joy.  Those decisions of having a baby, becoming a newlywed, starting a new job.  But sometimes, our decisions, are not always positive.  We all have skeletons.

As a child, I always thought you had to hide everything different about you to "fit in"  Unfortunately, hiding didn't fix the problem I felt.  I felt alone. 

I felt alone because inside I didn't believe I was worthy of other's acceptance.  But, those inner thoughts start a bad spiral. 

The truth is that if you don't begin to learn who you are to yourself and in God's eyes.....all of who you are, the spiral will continue.

As an adult, I still get stuck in the spiral but am getting better.  I have always had a strong faith but didn't know what that really meant for me.  So, I have always been searching.  Searching for a group of people I can connect with.  I have looked in parenting groups, work groups, churches, and sometimes even in friends and family.  Yet, so often, I would come up empty handed.

I couldn't figure it out.  Well, recently, I have came to a realization.  I was looking for something I had to find inside first.  Love and acceptance.  Everywhere I was searching was empty.  People were not always authentic. 

What I've learned through it all is that you have to be genuine and authentic to receive that.  While this is an everyday battle for me to be real, I've come a long way baby! 

And with all the distance I've travelled I'm happy to say that I'm beginning to find my "people"  I have a great best friend.  Some great relationships with family members.  And I finally found a wonderful church group full of imperfect people just like I am.  And you know what?  We are all ok.  Normal even.

Today I just want to encourage everyone, don't worry about fitting in and worry about filling in.  Fill in your insides with faith and love and look out world....here you come!

So today as I close, I will add a picture of a group of "Normal" People, my church group.  Thanks to everyone in my life who have built me up and understood in all the times of my life.  Take care and God Bless!

Reaching Out the Arm of Faith

"Two are better than one, because together they can work more effectively.  If one of them falls down, the other can help them up...Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone.  A rope made of three cords is hard to break."  Ecclesiastes 4:9

Reading this verse a few things hit me.  Being alone, trying to do it all without others is lonely & at times debilitating.  However, as humans in a busy world, we don't want to bother or burden others.  However, when we reach out, we begin to realize that everyone has their own journey and that sometimes they just need to know they aren't alone also.

I used to struggle a lot with reaching out in times of need/distress.  I felt like everyone had their own life to live and didn't have time to listen.  In the past few years, through therapy, I have realized that surrounding yourself with a strong support system is so important to mental health.

So I'm cured right?

Umm....NO.  See if I know this in my head, why do I sometimes keep it to myself?  My counselor says is fear/shame.  I've always been a strong and capable.  So, why isn't it always easy?  My answer is because I don't listen to my tugging. 

In parenting, marriage, friendships, we must be authentic and equally dependent on one another in times of need.  I love the analogy of this verse about falling down and needing someone to help you get up.  Physically that's easy to picture.  But, do we all picture it mentally?  I know I haven't thought of it that way. 

The other part of this verse I see is based on faith.  While he says people......I believe there is some reference to our belief system.  I have a strong faith but little confidence in living my life aside him and letting him help in times of need.  When I struggle, I lock up.  I begin questioning him....why, what if....etc. 

Recently, I went to a women's retreat at church.  At the retreat, we picked coffee cups with various phrases on them.  Mine said Live in the Moment.  Let that soak in.  Live IN the moment.  Every moment, good & bad...we must live in it and learn from it.  We must let God in to help us beyond our own understanding.  He has a purpose for all of us and has known it before we were even born. 

I guess I've kind of babbled.  My overall point is don't live life alone.  Reach out in your faith and in your relationships.  We can't do it all by ourselves and it's not healthy to try.  So be it physical or mental, reach that arm out of the fall and be the arm reaching down to help.

Until next time....take care and God bless!