Learning through Each Other

A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel...Proverbs 1:5

I think as humans, we are taught that we can do everything by ourselves, it's called independence right?   What I've always tried to figure out is relationships then.  What are they for?  Well, I believe that God placed us on Earth together to learn from and lean on each other. 

In Genesis 2:18, The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

I struggled with this for a long time.  I wanted to be the do all, know all in my life.  I even turned away from my Faith in these times.  But, I'm back.  As one of my favorite talk show hosts Dr. Phil Says.....How's that working for you?  The answer is....not well.  I always thought that depending on others meant a sign of weakness.

However, in the past 1-2 years, I realized, I can't function alone.  I have to have others.

Here's the other struggles I've had with my Faith.  The Why's.  Why did I get Bipolar?  How come I have high social anxiety?  What about Diabetes, why did it have to be me?

I believe that we are all given different experiences so we can be brought together to learn.  No matter what hand we are dealt, it could help someone else.

Recently, I have had 2 experiences that have tested my fears.  One was a inner-church women's retreat.  At it, we were split into groups of 3-4 with total strangers.  Big time smack in my social anxiety self.  But, I spoke up and said within the group, this is really uncomfortable for me.  I struggle in social situations.  And you know what, I wasn't judged.  I made a couple of great friends that day.  They all said they admired my honesty.  What?  Admired something I did?  Once I got it out, I really got it out, we all opened up and I learned so much from them.  Without that authenticity, I don't know what the experience would have been like.

The second of these experiences is in my small group.  For years, I have searched for a group of people I could really connect and experience faith with.  What I found is I haven't always been the most receptive person either.  But, finally I found a group of women I can trust.  Here is where the trust came into play.  Sometimes, I really struggle pushing through social anxiety.  Sometimes, like EVERY Thursday which is small group night.  You know how easy it has been to find excuses.  Well, pretty darn easy.  Anyhow, today, just today, I decided to fess up to my behaviors.  I wrote a short email to the leader and the others.  In it I told them of my struggle and how I loved that I had finally found a group of truly genuine women.  That it is still very hard for me to push through the door and show up.  But, I couldn't do it without knowing that I'm in a judge free zone.  I really feel like I needed to be real about what I had going on.

I guess my overall point is that you never know what something you say, do, or have learned can help others.  So, as hard as it can be, make baby steps to put yourself out there.  It will be ok.  God's got your back.

Take care and God Bless!

Fitting In

You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful. I know it with all my heart.  Psalm  139: 13-14

In life, we all have choices to make.  We all have decisions to make.  All of these choices and decisions begin to build us.  They shape who we are.  Sometimes with decisions, comes overwhelming joy.  Those decisions of having a baby, becoming a newlywed, starting a new job.  But sometimes, our decisions, are not always positive.  We all have skeletons.

As a child, I always thought you had to hide everything different about you to "fit in"  Unfortunately, hiding didn't fix the problem I felt.  I felt alone. 

I felt alone because inside I didn't believe I was worthy of other's acceptance.  But, those inner thoughts start a bad spiral. 

The truth is that if you don't begin to learn who you are to yourself and in God's eyes.....all of who you are, the spiral will continue.

As an adult, I still get stuck in the spiral but am getting better.  I have always had a strong faith but didn't know what that really meant for me.  So, I have always been searching.  Searching for a group of people I can connect with.  I have looked in parenting groups, work groups, churches, and sometimes even in friends and family.  Yet, so often, I would come up empty handed.

I couldn't figure it out.  Well, recently, I have came to a realization.  I was looking for something I had to find inside first.  Love and acceptance.  Everywhere I was searching was empty.  People were not always authentic. 

What I've learned through it all is that you have to be genuine and authentic to receive that.  While this is an everyday battle for me to be real, I've come a long way baby! 

And with all the distance I've travelled I'm happy to say that I'm beginning to find my "people"  I have a great best friend.  Some great relationships with family members.  And I finally found a wonderful church group full of imperfect people just like I am.  And you know what?  We are all ok.  Normal even.

Today I just want to encourage everyone, don't worry about fitting in and worry about filling in.  Fill in your insides with faith and love and look out world....here you come!

So today as I close, I will add a picture of a group of "Normal" People, my church group.  Thanks to everyone in my life who have built me up and understood in all the times of my life.  Take care and God Bless!

Reaching Out the Arm of Faith

"Two are better than one, because together they can work more effectively.  If one of them falls down, the other can help them up...Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone.  A rope made of three cords is hard to break."  Ecclesiastes 4:9

Reading this verse a few things hit me.  Being alone, trying to do it all without others is lonely & at times debilitating.  However, as humans in a busy world, we don't want to bother or burden others.  However, when we reach out, we begin to realize that everyone has their own journey and that sometimes they just need to know they aren't alone also.

I used to struggle a lot with reaching out in times of need/distress.  I felt like everyone had their own life to live and didn't have time to listen.  In the past few years, through therapy, I have realized that surrounding yourself with a strong support system is so important to mental health.

So I'm cured right?

Umm....NO.  See if I know this in my head, why do I sometimes keep it to myself?  My counselor says is fear/shame.  I've always been a strong and capable.  So, why isn't it always easy?  My answer is because I don't listen to my tugging. 

In parenting, marriage, friendships, we must be authentic and equally dependent on one another in times of need.  I love the analogy of this verse about falling down and needing someone to help you get up.  Physically that's easy to picture.  But, do we all picture it mentally?  I know I haven't thought of it that way. 

The other part of this verse I see is based on faith.  While he says people......I believe there is some reference to our belief system.  I have a strong faith but little confidence in living my life aside him and letting him help in times of need.  When I struggle, I lock up.  I begin questioning him....why, what if....etc. 

Recently, I went to a women's retreat at church.  At the retreat, we picked coffee cups with various phrases on them.  Mine said Live in the Moment.  Let that soak in.  Live IN the moment.  Every moment, good & bad...we must live in it and learn from it.  We must let God in to help us beyond our own understanding.  He has a purpose for all of us and has known it before we were even born. 

I guess I've kind of babbled.  My overall point is don't live life alone.  Reach out in your faith and in your relationships.  We can't do it all by ourselves and it's not healthy to try.  So be it physical or mental, reach that arm out of the fall and be the arm reaching down to help.

Until next time....take care and God bless!

My Other Personal Journey---My Faith

As I sit down today to write my blog, I am thinking back on the journey my faith has taken.  There have been times I felt alone on my island.  There have been times where I have gone through the motions.  There have also been times where I have felt extremely connected in my Faith.

See, I have gone through a lot in my 42 years.  I have faced suicidal ideation, eating disorders, medical diagnoses, mental health diagnoses, being a wife, being a mother.  Through it all, I've tried to maintain control.  There is the error of my ways.  For me to maintain CONTROL! 

Through the years, I've seen rocks, plaques, you name it, it's out there.  Let Go and Let God.  Yeah yeah yeah.  Ok I will.  But secretly, I was still trying to run my life.  In the world of Christianity, I believe I am not alone in this.  I think it's pretty common practice to let God control when everything is running smooth.  But, in the time of trials, the times when we need Him most, we turn our backs away.

This is has been my practice for many years.  Run away from everything including my faith.  I use avoidance as a coping mechanism, a way to keep my mask on, you know the one.....The I'm ok mask of false reality.  The issue is this, it works for awhile.  The smile masks the pain. 

But at sometime, somewhere, the reality is going to peek it's ugly head out.  See, we can only pretend so long until something will happen that breaks down the walls.  For me it's usually illness.  When I have an everything is ok mask, I am usually practicing self harm.  I am either not taking care of my diabetes or not taking my medication for bipolar.  This is what I call my attempt to go numb.  And it works pretty darn well....for a short time.  Then, I'm in the bathroom throwing up from high blood sugars or fighting with everyone around me from the poor self-management of bipolar.

Truth is, people, we have to be real with ourselves, others, and God to find true peace.  I recently finished a book called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  I have tried many times to complete it.  I finally did!  Well, the very last chapter.....the last thing I read of the almost 400 pages was about people-pleasers.  SIGH!  Why was he calling me out of my zone?  Why...because it's not a healthy place to be.

I won't bore you with all the quotes I highlighted in the book, but one that sticks out with me is this.  Even God can't please everyone.  That's right, even the God of our universe can't satisfy everyone's wants.  Often times, we are tested by Him to grow and learn.  But, if we are so caught up in pretending, will we even learn the lesson?

So, I've done a little bit of rambling this morning.  In closing, from the title of one of my other favorite books, "Girl, Wash Your Face"  Pull off the mask and let's be real with one another.  Let's reach out to God in our celebrations and in our crisis.  Let's turn our faith to him and let go of that thing we think is control.  Cuz, as Dr. Phil would say....."How's that working for you?"  And my answer would be, not that well.  I'm left with despair and self destruction. 

I hope from this blog, you take away that faith is a journey.  And if we were to graph our journey of life, it would not be a straight calm life.  So, let's put God in our pocket and in our heart.  Let him pull us through.  We can do life together.

Take care and God Bless!

Diabetic Exhaustion and How it Affects Your Body

Lethargic & Sick.  These are the results of diabetic exhaustion.  What does that mean.  See, I have been a type 1 diabetic for 14 years.  I started on shots and found myself in and out of the hospital multiple times.  Then the pump came into my life and it was a life changer.  Hospitalizations are few and far between and especially inpatient stays. 

So there.....everything is perfect, right?  Wrong.  As a diabetic, sometimes you just want to be normal.  Unfortunately, my normal will never be everyone else's normal.  But, that's ok.  No one is really alike.

But, sometimes I'm just sick of it all.  I'm tired of testing.  I'm tired of hearing the pump alarm.  I'm tired of giving myself a bolus at mealtime and counting calories.  Welcome to diabetic exhaustion.

So, get back on the horse right?  Well, with my bipolar depression, it's not always that easy.  I take my meds consistently but yet, the cycle still comes and it feeds my unhealthy behaviors. 

For 2 months, I have been in a state of exhaustion.  While I haven't completely given up, I have personally struggled to stay on the horse.  What have I learned.....self damaging doesn't feel that great.

So, how do I handle the exhaustion and get back on my feet.  I talk to my support system.  First, I called my sister who is always there to give me the right step.  Next, I emailed Lindi, my diabetic friend and just vented.  Sometimes, you just need someone that has been there or is there currently.  This is the advice she said her mom gave her.  "Hey, We've got this.  It's ok, it's a pain, but we can handle it.  It's what we have to do.  And everyone has SOMETHING that they have to deal with.  This is ours"

What a great way to look at it.  We don't know the struggles others are going through.  What we do know is that it's selfish to believe that you are the only one with them.

So, as I close.  I am going to try my best.  That's all I can do is keep trying and not give up.  I know I can overcome this obstacle.  I've done many things before that I am proud of and this is just another hurdle to jump.

Thanks for listening.  Take care and God Bless!

WOO HOOOO---SHAKE MY BOOTY----LITERALLY!

 

 

 

 

 

So what does this hot, sweaty, cranky picture prove?????  I DID IT!  I went to jazzercise.  It was a full out hour of 30 minute cardio and 30 minute strength training non-stop.  It honestly was the toughest workout I've ever done including personal training.  It was intense and I am out of shape for intensity.  BUT, you know what????? I did it.  Everyone there was not the image I had in my head.  You know the one....size 2, perfectly coordinated, no sweat.  Well, there were about 12 of us in all shapes, sizes, skill, and ages.  What a relief!  I just took my comfort place in the back and gave it my all.  Could I hop and skip on some of the moves? No.  Did I give up?  No.  I modified and made it through the entire workout.  I am super proud of myself and will go back again.  Thanks to all who have encouraged me to step our of my comfort zone and just do it.  For today, I have DONE it!

 

Take care and God Bless!

 

ARGH--------And not the pirate scream

Ok peeps....let's get real for a moment.  ARGH!  Sometimes, I get so frustrated at myself I just want to scream and shake myself silly.  Lately, I have been in that state.  The state of I wants and not the state of I dos.  I want to change my lifestyle.  I want to eat at home.  I want to pack my food.  I want to exercise.  WANT WANT WANT!  And I'm not doing anything about it.  Some days I cope well, and others I don't.  Today is a don't

This week, I will give myself credit I packed lunch the past two days.  That's a huge movement in the right direction.

But, the wishy washiness and living in the wants is driving me crazy.  I'm full of excuses.  I don't feel well.  The kids.  The family.  The embarrassment.  All of the above.  Truth is my kids are 14 & 16 and really don't need babying any more.  The family can run an hour without me.  So what does that leave, personal excuses.

See, I've lived my life full of people anxiety. The very thought of exposing myself to the unknown is often time paralyzing mentally and even physically. 

Today, I made a few decisions around my health.  I'm very nervous but believe it will help me on my journey.  I have been a weight watchers member for a long time now.  While I love the accountability of weighing in front of someone.  That's about all I'm active in.  I rarely stay for the meetings or use the online tools available.  So, I decided to cancel my membership for the time-being.  How does that help my journey?  Well, I am going to attempt to swap those funds to something even more scary

There is a jazzercise center out in Gretna, literally 5-8 minutes away from my house.  I have been wanting to go since December and haven't.  Well, they have 7 free sessions right now.  Then you can decide to join or not join.  So, how can you go wrong?  By not stepping in the door in fear.  That is where I'm at.  I love dancing fitness workouts.  But, I gotta get there.  While no one can physically drag me there, sometimes I wish I was the bratty little kid being dragged by my mom out the door.  :-) 

So, today I decided. There is a class at 440.  This is perfect.  I get home by 410, change clothes and zip I'm there. 

While it seems so minimal......it's a mountain in my life right now.  To get over the anxiety and this physical rut I'm in. 

So for today, think of those that are like me and terrified to put themselves out there.  There are lots of us just waiting to get out!  I am surrounded by some very positive encouragers but it's still the inside of me that has to come out. 

I shall close in saying, I will Do it.  The most important part of success is the second letter.  That's on my screen saver full of motivational sayings.  Until my next post...hopefully a story of success tomorrow.

Take care and God Bless!