Digging out of the Dark with Christ

Happy 2024! Many leap into the year with joy as a new beginning has come. But for me, I have been in the depths of a deep depressive Bipolar episode. So, what am I doing? I turned to my support system. But, more than that, I turned to my Faith. I reached out to the Associate Pastor at church and we met. I also turned toward reading the Bible and seeking help. Is it helping? Slowly, I am seeing the light. While nothing is an overnight fix, knowing that you aren't alone is so helpful. I have found a new theme song for my current status. It is Cody Carnes – Firm Foundation (He Won't) Below are the lyrics. I really relate to them and know that with my foundation in Christ, I can make it through anything. Take care and God Bless! Christ is my firm foundation The rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaken I've never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus 'Cause He's never let me down He's faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't I've still got joy in chaos I've got peace that makes no sense So I won't be going under I'm not held by my own strength 'Cause I've built my life on Jesus He's never let me down He's faithful in every season So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't He won't fail, He won't fail Rain came and wind blew But my house was built on You I'm safe with You I'm gonna make it through Oh, rain came and wind blew But my house was built on You And I'm safe with You I'm gonna make it through Yeah, I'm gonna make it through 'Cause my house is built on you Christ is my firm foundation The rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaken I've never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus 'Cause He's never let me down He's faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't He won't fail, He won't fail He won't

Dr Appt and Getting OLD

So, yesterday, I continued an important part of my journey to a healthier me. For years, I battled the ups and downs of diabetes, but have stabilized. So, I need to continue to make myself feel healthier. But, I am struggling with exhaustion and pain when trying to do any level of fitness. So, I reached out and went to my primary care dr yesterday. I don't have labs back yet, but he is please with my progress with diabetes and agrees that it's time to tackle weight and overall health. So, he is screening my vitamins and my hormones....oh the joy of getting old. haha In the meantime, he said magnesium would help with the leg cramps and I will start that tonight. This is just a reminder post that we don't have so stay stagnant and accept how we feel if it's not great. There is always room to improve and change. Thanks for sticking by my side through all the ups and downs. Take care and God Bless!

The Healing Process of Writing

Hi all.....I know it's been almost a year since I posted. Well, this year has been really tough for me and I have spent very little time on myself. Emotionally, I have been a roller coaster mess. Physically, I have gained weight and struggling. On Aug 1, I got diagnosed with Vertigo. I have had many illnesses but this one knocked my for a loop. On Aug 16, I began to work from home on an accomodation from work due to the vertigo. YAHOO....right? Well, at first I thought so. But, this lasted almost 2 months and the mental games began to take over. Being alone is not good for bipolar, depression, or anxiety. So, I secluded in my head. I continued to gain weight and sink into my hole. Thankfully, I have a wonderful church that has helped me get out, but I still found darkness. So, today, I remembered when and why I started blogging. It became an escape and release for me. It allowed me to get things out of my head and in hope it helps others in the same suffering. So, today, I went back and read my blogs. See in life, I feel like we dwell on the things we haven't done or changed. For me, I have not lost weight, I have not conquered the depression, I have not fixed diabetes (Which isn't possible) But, you know what I have done? I have grown and learned. I have continued to try. I haven't stopped and given up on progress. Sometimes, that is all that matters. A couple years back, my mom and sister and I chose words for the year. Persistance was mine. This still holds true. I have not given up. So, how am I? Diabetes----My A1C is 6.4 which is the average blood sugar in a 3 month period. Ya'll in the depths of the depression and chaos, this was in the teens. Faith----I have continued to search for a home and have finally found it at Grace Hill here in Omaha. Church is to be a safe place; a place where you don't feel judged; a place for peace and renewal. This is what I have found and feel so blessed to have found this. Depression/Bipolar---So, this is a huge area of not giving up and always looking for the better way. I refuse to be complacent in my pain and have continued to search for progress. I found a new psychiatrist and we have found a good medicinal regimen. So, what's my problem? I'm not fixed. Bipolar is filled with ebb and flow. I have decided to return to counseling as I belive that medicine is not the end all, cure all. I need someone to talk to. Weight/Physical -- Well, this is not good. I currently weigh 232 lbs and am dissapointed. While this is not my highest weight, physically I am in a tough spot. I am struggling with physical movement and it is scary. My legs cramp when I walk short distances. My back hurts consistently. My energy level is low. So....what's next? Today I can honestly say, I don't know for sure. I know it's a time to change, but I am not sure what step is next. I see my counselor on the 25th and hope to begin to build a plan to change. Often times, I have addressed superficial topics rather than the issues behind them. I want to dig deep and begin to heal. I want to learn coping mechanisms to help my daily fight with depression and anxiety. For today, I continue living and am grateful that God gave me another day. Until next time, take care and God Bless!

23 Hard Things in 2023

In 2022, I began following a lady on instagram who has motivated me to make some changes for the new year. My list is not complete, but this is the beginning and sorted to 2 tasks a month. Totall doable! New year, new beginning! Until next time, take care and God bless!

Persistance

Hi and Happy Wednesday! Today, I am sitting reflecting on some recent changes I've made in my routine and being grateful that I am full of perseverance. I did see a new psychiatrist and was prescribed a new medication for my bipolar. You know, sometimes, I am my worst critic. I go through life playing a game of comparison. Playing the why me game or the why not me one. Today, though I realized that I'm not a quitter. Through the bipolar, the diabetes, the arthritis, I don't give up or give in. That is something I'm clinging on to! Recently, my name came up for a gym locker here at Union Pacific. There it was, a sign. It's time to change and adapt once again. So, I buddied up with a good friend and we are committed to doing this one day at a time! Today, I have an appt with the trainer to establish a full workout routine tailor made to me. I am beyond NERVOUS and excited. After all, what if... But, this is where I let fear and the inner voice paralyze me. Not today, I got this! Sometimes, I lean on others for my strength and that's ok. But, day by day, one positive thought after another, I'm doing this. I am learning to lean on my own strength also. So, today, dig deep and know that we got this....one day at a time, sometimes, one second at a time. Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Imperfect Progress

“Progress. Just make progress. It’s okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It’s okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again—and again. Just make sure you’re moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.” Excerpt From Unglued Devotional Lysa TerKeurst https://books.apple.com/us/book/unglued-devotional/id585301325 This material may be protected by copyright. So, today I saw my counselor after about 3 months of pretending everything was ok. Truth is, I haven't been ok. I stopped my psych meds about a month ago. She asked me why. I said I don't think they were helping me. So, we dug deeper. She said, are you worse on or off the meds. Clearly, the answer is off. The spiral begins and I feel like I am sinking. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 11 years ago and the age of 35. At that time, I felt like it was a blessing because I could put a title on the feelings I have. But, over the 11 years, I have struggled to accept that this will be with me the rest of my life. So, I go "numb" But, the numbness comes with darkness and self doubt. It comes with a dark tunnel that is so hard to find my way out of. So, We discussed more. She said to me, you have established a support system around you of people with different specialities. She said lean into them and let them help you. She said you wouldn't come to me for medication or cooking advice, but you have people in your corner. Don't try to self cure. WOWZERS. That was eye opening for me and 100% accurate. So, today, she said see you next week and I commit to digging deep. Thursday, I see a new psychiatrist and get some fresh eyes on my treatment plan. My encouragement to ya'll today? Take a step back. Are you a better you than you were yesterday or working towards that goal? If you answered yes, that's a success! I sometimes feel like I am stuck and not progressing. But, I'm no longer hospitalized every 6 months for poor self care with my diabetes. I no longer wallow in self pity without reaching out. Progress people, progress! So tonight, I sat to read my devotional and ta dah...there God was in the midst of it all reminding me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and he is right beside me on my path. So for now, I will go and remind myself that you are continuing to grow and learn and become the a better version of yourself. Take note! Until next time, take care and God Bless!

What is healthy???

So, today I found out that my younger cousin was just diagnosed with Lymphoma It's a type of Cancer. See, she had breast cancer and kicked its booty and now this. So, upon this, I begin to study myself and my own self care/health. Lately, I have been stuck in a spot, paralyzed of sorts. But, I've been here before. And you know,there's a way out. It's through Faith and baby steps. Each step, one by one brings you closer to goals and a better place in life. So, today, what is healthy? Healthy is a place of contentment and intitionality. Every day, I need to live with intention. Live in a way that I am honoring the vessel on earth I have been given. Live in a way that not only makes others proud, but makes myself proud. And, I got this. So, carry on and live your life with intention. Take care and God Bless!