Through the Eyes of a Diabetic & Bipolar

Many years ago, my father wrote a recurring article for his home paper titled Through the Eyes of a Soldier.  This chronicled the daily ins and outs of a soldier during the Vietnam war.

Today, I look back and reflect on how far I have come.  You know how when your kids are growing you don't notice the daily changes but others notice how tall they are or how mature they look.  Well, the same can be said with chronic illness management.

With diabetes, I have always thought I could cure it myself.  I could beat it.  Most of this was based on the denial that I had the disease.  Diabetes is a disease that requires DAILY maintenance.  Sometimes this is tough in today's society of run, run, run.  So, when I slip backward I feel like I have "failed"  Until recently, I have learned, that is a bad word to use.  Everything is truly just a bump in the road and what do you do when you hit a bump?  You hold on tighter to the steering wheel and take control.  While I may slip backward with my diabetes, I have to praise God and be confident in myself that I have advanced from the past.  Hospitalizations, Absent parenting, all of these are symptoms of where I've been.  Today, I see active parenting, and more controlled sugars.  This is in part due to the implementation of the insulin pump.  But, I have to give myself credit too as the pump is just a tool, it takes education and hard work to utilize the tools in front of you.

With bipolar, this chronic disease often times doesn't feel like a disease at all.  It just feels like thoughts that you should be able to control.  The reality is you can take medication to adapt, but the disease will not go away.  You will occasionally have to straighten that canoe as you tip to one side or the other.  This is an area in which I often don't see progress.  I feel like I haven't grown, haven't changed ENOUGH!  That the work I am doing just isn't enough to beat it and I don't understand why.  However, I have seen a couple of counselors through the years.  My current counselor and I were discussing some of the lies we tell ourselves and the truths behind them.  I had done significant work with a previous counselor surrounding those issues.  Well...shocking I know....but I am a note taker.  So, I pulled out my old counseling workbook and begin to browse through the pages.  As I looked through where I had been, tears began to well up.  I have changed....I am different....I have progressed.  Just like the kids as they grow, others have told me they see it.  But, until it smacks you in the face, it's hard to believe it.  I have grown from a weak victim mindset full of self harm, anxiety, and overall fear to a woman of faith.  A woman who still struggles but knows that the DAILY decisions we make will impact ourselves as well as those around us for years to come.  I have gone through near death experiences with my diabetes due to poor self care.  I have gone through nearing separation from my spouse because we just didn't know how to exist together anymore.  I was checked out and uncaring.  He was angry and worried.  I have gone from a parent whom didn't participate in the day to day to a mom who is present and involved.  While I still have bipolar disorder, I have chosen to no longer suffer from the disease.  I have chosen to make a choice.  My sister once said that good people with good intentions will always do good things even if sometimes they fail on the way there.  I have this quote on my computer screen at work.  It reminds me that we all may step on a pebble and lose our balance but if we intend to get to a different place we will make it, one foot in front of the other. 

So whether you are battling a boulder or a pebble, take the step and you will find balance in whatever you do!

A day of growth......a day of remembrance

Today was a day of mixed emotions for me.  My daughter and son had events at church today and for that we needed to dress up.  My son chose a suit, my daughter a beautiful spring dress.  As a mom, we look for the milestones in our children's lives.  Their first step, their first word, their first tooth, their first day at school, even their first sass all stick in your mind.  For me, there are a few more milestones that I don't always want to reflect on.  In the beginning of my diabetes, I was very ill.  I had a tough time managing my blood sugars and found myself hospitalized many times.  While I was in the hospital trying to heal and recover, a whole different type of recovery was occurring at home.  Recovery from fear, anxiety, and the unknown struck my household.  I will never forget the day my son asked if they were keeping his mommy again or the day my daughter asked me if I was not feeling well again.  These images are ingrained in my head like etched stone and shall forever shape me.  On the bright side, look at my beautiful/handsome children and see how they have matured.  While we may not always be proud of the path we took, we should always be proud of the end result.  Remember that in our daily thinking.  Whatever we may do, there is always a reward or a consequence at the end.  It is the fork we choose that brings us there.  Take care and God Bless!

The Purpose Driven Life-----What on Earth am I here for?

I have picked up this book many times to begin my 40 day journey.  This book is about discovering what the Bible says our purpose is here on Earth.  The book was written by author Rick Warren.  While I am journeying through Financial Peace with my husband, my soul searching has led me back to this book once again.  There are many things that I know I am here on earth for, being a loving mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc.  But, spiritually I have been in a slump.  So, today I begin a new journey.....a journey with a purpose.  "Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

Mania

Mania....such an interesting part of Bipolar disorder.  See, mania often masks itself as excess energy.  This weekend I had a 3 day weekend.  These long weekends are great and I was able to spend it with my husband and family.  However, I found my mind racing.  In mania, this excess energy manifests itself in different ways for different people.  For me, it puts me into fix it mode.  During mania, I believe I can do all and fix all and everything will be better.  The funny thing is usually things are ok before I try to attack them.  While everything in life can be adjusted at times and often times bettered.  Everything in life can't be done all at one time.  WHAT????  I know shocking right!  For me, recognition is a huge step.  In the past with my bipolar, it would often times be weeks or months prior to being able to recognize what I call the yellow light symptoms.  Yep, I had blown through the yellow light and was sitting on red.  Now, through the help of counseling and supportive family and friends, I am almost instantly recognizing the symptoms.  So, after recognition is to begin to utilize the tools I have been taught.  Being open with others is a huge part of this.  Mania is often easy to disguise.  Admission for me is a way to allow others to keep a mental check on me.  While I am an adult, manic episodes often lead me down a path of destruction that I don't like to be on.  So, here I am.  Transparent once again.  Manic episode is still around, but I am slowly pulling out through the relaxation techniques I have been taught, the loving support of those around me, and being self aware of my episode.  Thanks once again for being there!

Gazelle Intensity

Gazelle you say?  Well yes, I did.  This term comes from Dave Ramsey, the author of Financial Peace University and Total Money Makeover.  He says live like no one else, so that later you can live like no one else.  I have began a new journey in my life.  Financial Freedom.  While my husband and I do ok, money is always a stressor for us.  So, we have committed to making changes together.  I have always been the primary budgeter in the house which has worked, but it puts quite a bit of stress on me.  So, now, as a team, we will be working together. Yay!

Gazelle intensity, however, can be applied in many ways to our lives.  Often times, we go through life on a bucking horse holding on to the reigns hoping not to fall off.  Lately, I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching.  I have found that it is my time.  My time to grab the spurs and take control of my bucking horse.  This searching has come out in many aspects of my life. 

As a mom, we go through times in which it is just easier to sit back and let life happen.  However, sometimes this will backfire.  I have found that in my family. Kids need structure, without it they drown.  So, my husband and I have began to restructure our parenting.  We have reestablished chores and a commission system (Not an allowance, they have to earn their wages)  We have also had several discussions with the kids about our expectations.  While this may be a slight culture shock for them, I know we are making the right call!

As a wife, we all fall into mom/dad mode instead of husband/wife mode.  I have decided to search and renew my partnership with my husband through support and unconditional love

Medically, I have already begun to make changes and will continue the self care needed to feel healthy.

This blogging journey is very healthy for me and I think lets people in to the life of a bipolar, diabetic mom who struggles just like everyone else.  Thanks for being a part of it!

Have a great day