Through the Eyes of a Diabetic & Bipolar

Many years ago, my father wrote a recurring article for his home paper titled Through the Eyes of a Soldier.  This chronicled the daily ins and outs of a soldier during the Vietnam war.

Today, I look back and reflect on how far I have come.  You know how when your kids are growing you don't notice the daily changes but others notice how tall they are or how mature they look.  Well, the same can be said with chronic illness management.

With diabetes, I have always thought I could cure it myself.  I could beat it.  Most of this was based on the denial that I had the disease.  Diabetes is a disease that requires DAILY maintenance.  Sometimes this is tough in today's society of run, run, run.  So, when I slip backward I feel like I have "failed"  Until recently, I have learned, that is a bad word to use.  Everything is truly just a bump in the road and what do you do when you hit a bump?  You hold on tighter to the steering wheel and take control.  While I may slip backward with my diabetes, I have to praise God and be confident in myself that I have advanced from the past.  Hospitalizations, Absent parenting, all of these are symptoms of where I've been.  Today, I see active parenting, and more controlled sugars.  This is in part due to the implementation of the insulin pump.  But, I have to give myself credit too as the pump is just a tool, it takes education and hard work to utilize the tools in front of you.

With bipolar, this chronic disease often times doesn't feel like a disease at all.  It just feels like thoughts that you should be able to control.  The reality is you can take medication to adapt, but the disease will not go away.  You will occasionally have to straighten that canoe as you tip to one side or the other.  This is an area in which I often don't see progress.  I feel like I haven't grown, haven't changed ENOUGH!  That the work I am doing just isn't enough to beat it and I don't understand why.  However, I have seen a couple of counselors through the years.  My current counselor and I were discussing some of the lies we tell ourselves and the truths behind them.  I had done significant work with a previous counselor surrounding those issues.  Well...shocking I know....but I am a note taker.  So, I pulled out my old counseling workbook and begin to browse through the pages.  As I looked through where I had been, tears began to well up.  I have changed....I am different....I have progressed.  Just like the kids as they grow, others have told me they see it.  But, until it smacks you in the face, it's hard to believe it.  I have grown from a weak victim mindset full of self harm, anxiety, and overall fear to a woman of faith.  A woman who still struggles but knows that the DAILY decisions we make will impact ourselves as well as those around us for years to come.  I have gone through near death experiences with my diabetes due to poor self care.  I have gone through nearing separation from my spouse because we just didn't know how to exist together anymore.  I was checked out and uncaring.  He was angry and worried.  I have gone from a parent whom didn't participate in the day to day to a mom who is present and involved.  While I still have bipolar disorder, I have chosen to no longer suffer from the disease.  I have chosen to make a choice.  My sister once said that good people with good intentions will always do good things even if sometimes they fail on the way there.  I have this quote on my computer screen at work.  It reminds me that we all may step on a pebble and lose our balance but if we intend to get to a different place we will make it, one foot in front of the other. 

So whether you are battling a boulder or a pebble, take the step and you will find balance in whatever you do!