My Other Personal Journey---My Faith

As I sit down today to write my blog, I am thinking back on the journey my faith has taken.  There have been times I felt alone on my island.  There have been times where I have gone through the motions.  There have also been times where I have felt extremely connected in my Faith.

See, I have gone through a lot in my 42 years.  I have faced suicidal ideation, eating disorders, medical diagnoses, mental health diagnoses, being a wife, being a mother.  Through it all, I've tried to maintain control.  There is the error of my ways.  For me to maintain CONTROL! 

Through the years, I've seen rocks, plaques, you name it, it's out there.  Let Go and Let God.  Yeah yeah yeah.  Ok I will.  But secretly, I was still trying to run my life.  In the world of Christianity, I believe I am not alone in this.  I think it's pretty common practice to let God control when everything is running smooth.  But, in the time of trials, the times when we need Him most, we turn our backs away.

This is has been my practice for many years.  Run away from everything including my faith.  I use avoidance as a coping mechanism, a way to keep my mask on, you know the one.....The I'm ok mask of false reality.  The issue is this, it works for awhile.  The smile masks the pain. 

But at sometime, somewhere, the reality is going to peek it's ugly head out.  See, we can only pretend so long until something will happen that breaks down the walls.  For me it's usually illness.  When I have an everything is ok mask, I am usually practicing self harm.  I am either not taking care of my diabetes or not taking my medication for bipolar.  This is what I call my attempt to go numb.  And it works pretty darn well....for a short time.  Then, I'm in the bathroom throwing up from high blood sugars or fighting with everyone around me from the poor self-management of bipolar.

Truth is, people, we have to be real with ourselves, others, and God to find true peace.  I recently finished a book called The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  I have tried many times to complete it.  I finally did!  Well, the very last chapter.....the last thing I read of the almost 400 pages was about people-pleasers.  SIGH!  Why was he calling me out of my zone?  Why...because it's not a healthy place to be.

I won't bore you with all the quotes I highlighted in the book, but one that sticks out with me is this.  Even God can't please everyone.  That's right, even the God of our universe can't satisfy everyone's wants.  Often times, we are tested by Him to grow and learn.  But, if we are so caught up in pretending, will we even learn the lesson?

So, I've done a little bit of rambling this morning.  In closing, from the title of one of my other favorite books, "Girl, Wash Your Face"  Pull off the mask and let's be real with one another.  Let's reach out to God in our celebrations and in our crisis.  Let's turn our faith to him and let go of that thing we think is control.  Cuz, as Dr. Phil would say....."How's that working for you?"  And my answer would be, not that well.  I'm left with despair and self destruction. 

I hope from this blog, you take away that faith is a journey.  And if we were to graph our journey of life, it would not be a straight calm life.  So, let's put God in our pocket and in our heart.  Let him pull us through.  We can do life together.

Take care and God Bless!

Diabetic Exhaustion and How it Affects Your Body

Lethargic & Sick.  These are the results of diabetic exhaustion.  What does that mean.  See, I have been a type 1 diabetic for 14 years.  I started on shots and found myself in and out of the hospital multiple times.  Then the pump came into my life and it was a life changer.  Hospitalizations are few and far between and especially inpatient stays. 

So there.....everything is perfect, right?  Wrong.  As a diabetic, sometimes you just want to be normal.  Unfortunately, my normal will never be everyone else's normal.  But, that's ok.  No one is really alike.

But, sometimes I'm just sick of it all.  I'm tired of testing.  I'm tired of hearing the pump alarm.  I'm tired of giving myself a bolus at mealtime and counting calories.  Welcome to diabetic exhaustion.

So, get back on the horse right?  Well, with my bipolar depression, it's not always that easy.  I take my meds consistently but yet, the cycle still comes and it feeds my unhealthy behaviors. 

For 2 months, I have been in a state of exhaustion.  While I haven't completely given up, I have personally struggled to stay on the horse.  What have I learned.....self damaging doesn't feel that great.

So, how do I handle the exhaustion and get back on my feet.  I talk to my support system.  First, I called my sister who is always there to give me the right step.  Next, I emailed Lindi, my diabetic friend and just vented.  Sometimes, you just need someone that has been there or is there currently.  This is the advice she said her mom gave her.  "Hey, We've got this.  It's ok, it's a pain, but we can handle it.  It's what we have to do.  And everyone has SOMETHING that they have to deal with.  This is ours"

What a great way to look at it.  We don't know the struggles others are going through.  What we do know is that it's selfish to believe that you are the only one with them.

So, as I close.  I am going to try my best.  That's all I can do is keep trying and not give up.  I know I can overcome this obstacle.  I've done many things before that I am proud of and this is just another hurdle to jump.

Thanks for listening.  Take care and God Bless!

WOO HOOOO---SHAKE MY BOOTY----LITERALLY!

 

 

 

 

 

So what does this hot, sweaty, cranky picture prove?????  I DID IT!  I went to jazzercise.  It was a full out hour of 30 minute cardio and 30 minute strength training non-stop.  It honestly was the toughest workout I've ever done including personal training.  It was intense and I am out of shape for intensity.  BUT, you know what????? I did it.  Everyone there was not the image I had in my head.  You know the one....size 2, perfectly coordinated, no sweat.  Well, there were about 12 of us in all shapes, sizes, skill, and ages.  What a relief!  I just took my comfort place in the back and gave it my all.  Could I hop and skip on some of the moves? No.  Did I give up?  No.  I modified and made it through the entire workout.  I am super proud of myself and will go back again.  Thanks to all who have encouraged me to step our of my comfort zone and just do it.  For today, I have DONE it!

 

Take care and God Bless!

 

ARGH--------And not the pirate scream

Ok peeps....let's get real for a moment.  ARGH!  Sometimes, I get so frustrated at myself I just want to scream and shake myself silly.  Lately, I have been in that state.  The state of I wants and not the state of I dos.  I want to change my lifestyle.  I want to eat at home.  I want to pack my food.  I want to exercise.  WANT WANT WANT!  And I'm not doing anything about it.  Some days I cope well, and others I don't.  Today is a don't

This week, I will give myself credit I packed lunch the past two days.  That's a huge movement in the right direction.

But, the wishy washiness and living in the wants is driving me crazy.  I'm full of excuses.  I don't feel well.  The kids.  The family.  The embarrassment.  All of the above.  Truth is my kids are 14 & 16 and really don't need babying any more.  The family can run an hour without me.  So what does that leave, personal excuses.

See, I've lived my life full of people anxiety. The very thought of exposing myself to the unknown is often time paralyzing mentally and even physically. 

Today, I made a few decisions around my health.  I'm very nervous but believe it will help me on my journey.  I have been a weight watchers member for a long time now.  While I love the accountability of weighing in front of someone.  That's about all I'm active in.  I rarely stay for the meetings or use the online tools available.  So, I decided to cancel my membership for the time-being.  How does that help my journey?  Well, I am going to attempt to swap those funds to something even more scary

There is a jazzercise center out in Gretna, literally 5-8 minutes away from my house.  I have been wanting to go since December and haven't.  Well, they have 7 free sessions right now.  Then you can decide to join or not join.  So, how can you go wrong?  By not stepping in the door in fear.  That is where I'm at.  I love dancing fitness workouts.  But, I gotta get there.  While no one can physically drag me there, sometimes I wish I was the bratty little kid being dragged by my mom out the door.  :-) 

So, today I decided. There is a class at 440.  This is perfect.  I get home by 410, change clothes and zip I'm there. 

While it seems so minimal......it's a mountain in my life right now.  To get over the anxiety and this physical rut I'm in. 

So for today, think of those that are like me and terrified to put themselves out there.  There are lots of us just waiting to get out!  I am surrounded by some very positive encouragers but it's still the inside of me that has to come out. 

I shall close in saying, I will Do it.  The most important part of success is the second letter.  That's on my screen saver full of motivational sayings.  Until my next post...hopefully a story of success tomorrow.

Take care and God Bless!

Continuing my journey

When taking a journey, we may run across detours due to construction.  Sometimes, these detours are frustrating and sometimes you can think of it as the "scenic route"  But, to get to the right path, we must take the detour.

As you all know, I have been on a long time journey to a healthier me.  This has been smooth sailing....NOT!  It has involved many ups and downs.  I've fallen off the wagon and taken many detours.  Some of these detours have been self-made, some are due to other situations.  But, all I believe God has place in my path to realize and test my determination and commitment

I recently read a book called Girl, Wash your Face.  It was a very interesting read by a successful author.  Throughout the book, she covered some lies that she learned to overcome about herself.  I the introduction to the book, she says, "Your life is supposed to be a journey from one unique place to another; it's not supposed to be a merry-go-round that brings you back to the same spot over and over again.  So, how do you jump off the merry-go-round.  I believe that is by letting go and letting God handle the issues we run into.

This is a struggle for a control freak like me.  I like to think I can fix everything myself.  But, with my confidence in my faith, I know this isn't the truth.  Awhile ago, a counselor of mine talked about life being a conveyer belt.  While we can't stop the belt from turning, we can control the things that are on it.  She said.....put your worries/lies etc in a paper sack once you have worked through them.  That conveyer belt goes to God.  Some of that icky stuff may return to you on the belt.  But, there is good news.  When we open that Stinky bag full of doubt, we can say, not this time.  I've already been down this path.  Eventually, that bag won't return.

There is also another great quote from the book about growth.  It says.....A caterpillar is awesome, but if the caterpillar stopped there--if she just decided that good is good enough--we would miss out on the beautiful creature she would become.  Through that statement, I learned.  If we give up, if we say we can't do anymore growth, we miss out on the beautiful person we can become both inside and out.

People, without growth, we are stunted and stuck in our own chaos.  We have to continue down the path, continue our journey.

On this journey to a healthier me, I have often given up, taken no for an answer, accepted my failure and decided to stop right there.  But, recently through some books, I'm learning that good enough isn't good enough.  I can succeed and push on.  I have to in order to continue on the path. 

This week, I began a new lifestyle change around eating.  My sister has told me, make on change per day.  Don't try to jump and fix everything at one time.  So, journey day by day.  No matter how difficult it is to slow down and recognize the successes.  Change can only happen in this matter.

So, today, I packed healthier choices.  And today, I jumped back in the wagon and decided to continue my ride.  So, take care of yourself step by step and depend on others for additional support.  We got this!

Take care and God Bless

Bipolar Type 2-----We are not alone

So this morning, I was sitting in the lobby at a hospital watching the today show feeling sorry for myself.  Why me again?  Then, a story came on TV, Mariah Carey coming out about her battle with Bipolar Depression.  As someone who lives with this diagnosis daily, sometimes hourly, it's easy to feel alone.  It's easy to sit and think why does so and so have it so easy? 

In the past, there has been such a stigma around any mental health diagnosis.....well there's goes their life, they can't function, they need to be institutionalized.  Well, none of this has been true for me.  Yes, I struggle sometimes to function in the capacity I would like to.  But no, I don't need to be strapped down to a hospital bed.

In more recent days, people are speaking out about their diagnoses of anxiety, depression, bipolar, etc.  These people have been celebrities in the spotlight.  In life, I have found myself putting myself through a series of pedestal comparisons with others.  Playing the pity party of why is it ONLY happening to me. 

Well, reality is, we only know what we are seen or told.  We aren't in other's lives.  See, I have people on pedestals surrounding me.  And while it may sound mean, I love it when the lever on their pedestal makes them sink just a little closer to me. 

I have a good friend, Lindi, who has diabetes.  She became my mentor through JDRF upon diagnosis.  I always thought, man.....how does she keep everything so stable in her life.  I just can't stay steady like that.  Then came dinner at Chili's in Spring of 2017.  We both sat down and caught up.  Then dinner came and we tested.  Ahh....125 on a night out with my "perfect" diabetic friend, what a relief.  It was HER turn.  315.  WHAT???  Her, how could it be?  Suddenly, I felt like it wasn't just me.  It was everyone.  That made me feel so happy and sure that I can do this!

In relationships, parenting & marriage, I have placed others on pedestals.  If only I had it together like blah and blah.  While I haven't had an aha moment I have had several conversations with those I love and care about.  I'm not alone here either.  Everyone has struggles and roller coasters to ride.  We just have to build a support system around us to assist.

In weight, this is a very difficult place filled with pedestals as well.  The person next to you at the gym.  The person in front of you in line at Weight Watchers.  Friends.  Family.  You name it, they ALL have it together and YOU don't.  Then I talked to a friend of mine who I would consider in no need to be poor in self image.  She too had some things that she was trying to work on.  See that person in the gym next to you, they are in your shoes, they just may not look like you in every way

Now, to bipolar.  I don't know if I've had pedestals around this as much as I've put a sense of being very alone in my illness.  I don't know many people that are bipolar.  So, it's easy to think why me?  But, in recent years, more and more people are coming out with their stories of diagnosis.   Many are celebrities.  Of course, they have millions of dollars and fame.  What could be wrong in their lives.  P.S. People.....they're human. 

I recently read a book called In the Middle of the Mess by Sheila Walsh.  She is a renowned Christian speaker and author.  She stands up in from of thousands professing her faith and supporting others in their journeys of life.  In this book, she talks about her battle with depression.  How she would spend all day talking to others about their battles and not be fighting her own.  She was actually even hospitalized for her depression. 

See people, we have to understand, that whatever your battle may be, whatever your journey is looking like, we aren't alone.  We may be intimately close to someone with the same issues or we may only know them from afar.  But the fact is, we KNOW them.  We must band together as people on journeys.  We may not understand the ins and outs of their journeys, but that's ok. Sometimes, we just need to know it's going to be ok.  Be that person for someone....don't put it off......reach out.  You never know how one kind word could save someone's life or blossom into a beautiful friendship.

Until Next Time.....take care and God Bless!

Ever have one of THOSE days???

Ok, so today as Alexander (The kid book) would have said was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day! 

It all began with a new test for the lab rat of the family.  Last week I got a not from my dr. saying my cortisol level wasn't normal.  So, she ordered an ACTH Stimulation Test.  It sounded terrifying so I went straight to google.  :-)  Everything I read said it was no big deal just some blood work at different intervals.  Yet still, when I woke up this morning, I was filled with fear.  I got ready and drove anxiously to the Nebraska Med Center.  I checked in at sat in the lobby scared.  I texted my sister and she returned encouragement as usual.

Finally, I was called in.  The nurse came in and explained to me the process.  Start an IV.  Draw blood from the IV.  Give a medication in the IV.  30 minutes later draw blood from IV.  and 30 minutes later draw blood again.  EASY PEASY.  But, of course, this is me.  She got the IV in on her first try.  But, it wouldn't return blood.  So, she and the other nurse decided they would just draw blood from other veins.  NOT EASY PEASY.  I think I set a record  10 pokes in an hour and a half for 3 blood draws total.  Needless to say, it wore me out and I felt kind of lightheaded.

After that, I made my way to my car.  As soon as I get to my car, my pump sensor says....Sensor connection failed.  This means it had died/ran out of battery.  So, I have to take the sensor out and put it on it's charger.  No big deal but just ANOTHER thing to add to my day.

Next, I get to work parking on the 7th floor of my 8 floor parking garage. 

I arrive into work and test my blood sugar, it's 539.  That's odd.  So I plug it into my pump and give myself insulin accordingly. 

About 15 minutes later, I smell insulin, a very distinct smell if you've ever smelled it.  I look down, there's a ginormous wet spot where my pump site is.  It had gone bad.  SIGH!  So, I change it out and move on.

NOW.......my back starts to ache that I'm almost in tears.  I realize that this is a side effect they mentioned during the test this morning.  Go figure.....I GET IT!

On this day, at 1:30 PM......I declare a truce with my life.  I'm done fighting it.  Calgon take me away!  lol

But, as I was texting my sister this morning, I don't have cancer.  I have no impending death sentence.  I just have complications of life that are manageable.  Thank God for the blessings I do have and for the challenges he has given me to help me to grow and learn.

Until next time......Take care and God Bless!