Momentum

Momentum is such a funny word to me.  There are so many ways to use that word.  Scientifically, Physically, but for me it is a word full of emotion.  Sometimes in life, we get stuck in a rut and need someone to kick you in the tush and give you momentum.  Sometimes we can find momentum within.  For me, I have found momentum in transparency.  For years, I have lived a life where I have kept a mask on, sometimes many.  Through therapy and life lessons, I have learned that masks must be peeled off to live in reality.  I recently think I have peeled off my last mask of bipolar disorder.  While I still have acceptance issues, I am no longer ashamed of who I am.  Yesterday, I went over to visit my brother and his wife.  I spent almost 3 hours there talking. Yes, me, talking.  It was probably the best visit I have ever had with them.  He is almost 7 years my senior and we don't get a lot of time to talk.  But, this was it, this was the time.  The funny thing is, in transparency, you find acceptance and common ground with others.  That perfection word that I love so much just can't exist if you have truly pulled off the mask.  Back to momentum, I have found a lot of momentum this week.  Mentally, I know that God created me just the way I am for a reason and feel that I will be able to encourage others with my transparency.  Diabetically, I had a really good weekend with my blood sugars and am encouraged that as I continue to maintain my regimen it will only get easier.  And last of all Physically.  This last week, I began to really address my weight issue.  A began to count every calorie that entered my mouth and made some adjustments to my normal routine of food.  In doing so, I lost FIVE pounds.  Talking about a sling shot.  Above all this though, I am learning that we all encounter bumps in our road and rapids in our canoes.  But, if we seek transparency and honesty with ourselves and others, things will get easier and you will have a support system surrounding you to hold onto the steering wheel and stable to oar of your canoe.  God Bless you all

A new journey begins

Today I stepped on the scale as I do every Monday only to find that I weigh more today than I ever have.  After feeling defeated, I decided to quit beating myself up and see it as a new journey I have been given the opportunity to take.  I packed all my food today and am proud of that.  What gets me is the mental game that you play with yourself.  While you know you aren't hungry, your mind still leads you down that path.  So, as I begin this new journey, I shall take the opportunity to thank God for giving me another day to live and prosper.  I shall look as it as an opportunity to take care of the vessel He has provided me with.  Thanks for all the support in advance and journey with me, we can all go down the correct path. 

A time to reflect, a time to soar

 

A few months ago, I thought I had "graduated" from counseling.  See, I thought I had learned everything I needed to and no longer needed support.  So, I did well for about a month and realized that it is not a crutch to need help.  The stigma around mental health that society puts on you is sometimes difficult to get over.  I purchased this willow tree angel (My secret addiction)  It is called soar.  I am learning that life isn't about "graduating" it's about growth.  Sometimes growth can't occur without the help of others and the confidence in yourself.  So, if you are dealing with any mental health issues, please reach out for help whether it be counseling, friends, family.  Know that we are not alone and we don't have to "graduate" to grow. 

Julie's Journeyers

You may be wondering where this name came from.  Every year I try to do the JDRF Diabetes Walk.  A couple of years ago, I had tshirts made that said Julie's Journeyers, walking for our #1.  To me, this represents all those that are on the road with me.  As a diabetic and bipolar, it is vital we surround ourselves with those that care for us unconditionally.  Some days I hit a bump in the road and need a shove to get over it.  Some days, I need someone to celebrate with.  Some days, I need someone to just say it will be ok.  Along this journey, I have really grown as a person and am thankful for each person who has been there.  I am also thankful for God for His unconditional love.  Until next time, journey on!

Recent Discovery

Had a rough weekend with my diabetes.  I decided to go on a honeymoon period.  See, sometimes when you are feeling so good, you go on strike against the illness. 

Well, surprise!  I discovered I am STILL a diabetic.  Amazing how terrible you feel when you aren't on track. 

Otherwise I had a good weekend.  Took down my snowmen decorations and decorated for Easter.  I love the holidays.  They make me smile every time I change everything out.  Also, had some time to clean out my flower beds.  To much dismay, my sister has convinced me that it will be a good hobby.  lol  Surprisingly I kind of enjoyed the physicality and being outside in the beautiful weather.

So, today is a fresh start.  I have emailed my accountability partner for my diabetes.  I am earning my check marks today and am already feeling much more alive.  Woot Woot!

Striving to Thrive and Not Survive

Ahh.....a bright new day to start anew.  Lately, I have found myself struggling to stay out of the hole.  While I have learned to only fall in still with 2 hands planted on the level ground outside.  I still feel like I am holding on to a slippery opening with the possibilities of falling in.  So, I have found a technique that works for me.  All of us work off a reward system in some way.  We like to feel accomplished and recognize the feelings in ourselves.  When hanging on, I often turn to a checklist quite similar to a sticker chart for kids.  On it, I write all the areas in which I sometimes struggle through.  I pull it out every day and check off "accomplishments" for every thing I have done.  I have various goals and rewards set aside for each duty.  I also have assigned members of my support group to each item.  To me, accountability is huge.  Kinda part of that let's be transparent in all aspects of life.  This has really helped me to stay level on unsteady ground.  I am a very visual person.  So, the more in my face it is, the better I'm going to learn. 

Red Light/Yellow Light

Wait a minute....I thought the game was red light/green light?  A fun game full of running and freezing in reach of your final destination.  The game was red light/green light.  However, this post is not about a childhood game.  It is about a great coping mechanism I have learned through counseling.  Through counseling, I have begun to recognize there are symptoms surrounding my bipolar episodes.  These symptoms have proven to help me with early recognition of depression or hyper manic times.  Support system is a very important part of this technique.  Complete transparency with others.  Here is what you do:  You brainstorm what we call yellow light behaviors.  What are the downslides that you consistently see prior to depression?  What are the signs that you seen slipping into mania?  For me, the list was really quite simple to figure out.  Yellow lights of depression:  Sleeping before regular bedtime without being sick.  Hygiene and self care issues, Checking/Zoning out of parenting and being a wife.  Laundry and dishes piling up.  Stopping and/or losing the desire to test.  The common theme between all of these is that I didn't care.  Not only were the symptoms present, but it didn't bother me that they were.  There were also yellow light thoughts surrounding depression.  Being hopeless because everything is too much and people anxiety.  With the mania, these were quite easy as well.  Implementing too many things at once.  Working excessively at my job. Desire to spend money on non-necessities.  My yellow light thoughts were racing thoughts and the feeling that I can do and fix everything now that I have energy.  Here is the problem:  These symptoms were cyclic.  Once manic, you feel good at first.  All that energy to do everything.  However, everything is an impossibility.  So, life began to feel overwhelming.  I can't do ALL this.  So, then the depression would set in.  Here is what I have learned:  You have to break the cycle somewhere.  These Yellow Lights have taught me how and when to break the cycle.  In fact, I have shared my lights with some of my support system and all they have to say is I see yellow and I know it's time to put things into perspective and check myself.  To each behavior, you assign a "tool" that will help you break the cycle at that point.  Depending upon where you are, you pull the tool out of your pocket and get to work.  Work, yes, sometimes it is a lot of work.  But, in the long run, you are successful.  Succeed, not conquer.  Why all the jibber jabber?  I feel like all of us have ups and downs in our lives that are hard to snap out of.  This tool has really helped me to climb out of that dark space or come off my high horse and face a level, realistic life.  If you are struggling with mental illness, know that there are tools in your back pocket and start living!

Bipolar---The Invisible Disease

Disease?  Mental Illness?  Aren't those just crutches in life?  Aren't they just a way to get away with not coping with troubles?  This is how I felt when the diagnosis of Bipolar was introduced in my life.  For years, I had struggled with ups and downs not understanding the cause.  In fact, after diagnosis I learned that my diabetic hospitalizations were often self harm attempts.  Ways to go numb as I say.  After treatment by different doctors and different medications, I decided to try a new psychiatrist.  That day, I laid it all out on the table, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It was the first time in my life where I was willing to be completely vulnerable around my issues.  What a relief.  It was like a weight was lifted off my chest.  And the best part was, the doctor didn't look at me and say you're nuts.  Instead, he looked at me and said, you are bipolar.  What did that mean?  I had always heard that bipolar was unbearable.  Yet, I was still a functioning adult for the most part.  With that diagnosis, treatment began.  Medications were tried, some worked, some didn't.  Mental health, the invisible illness.  There is such hype around mental health these days, that I was embarrassed.  While inside I was relieved to have an answer, on the outside I dawned my smile and pretended everything was ok.  In the beginning, denial was my coping mechanism, my brick wall, my numbing agent.  I am now learning (And yes I say learning because I am still learning every day)  that bipolar is a part of my life.  I have to treat it as something I have and not something that defines me.  Medication is a large part of treatment.  Sometimes, however, I want to test the waters.  I want to pretend that I am really ok and I no longer need medication.  Amazingly, I am wrong every time.  Originally, this pattern would be almost unrecognizable to myself.  As I went numb, I didn't recognize the symptoms I had or the reality that I was not doing well.  Often times it was a 2-3 month depression or mania.  Since then, I have sought counseling.  I am now recognizing episodes in 1-2 weeks and taken my medication on a regular basis.  My hope for others is to not let this illness define you and thrive!

Diabetes-----It's my Life

This is a more difficult post.  I have always been a fixer.  I have always felt that I could outsmart something and get over it.  However, diabetes has proven that it's not that easy when you have a chronic illness.  Diabetes has been one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with as a person.  Upon diagnosis, I began to question my faith (Why would He do this to me),  my strength (How would I be able to survive)   and my self (What did I do to cause this).  Diagnosed late in life at 28, I found this to be a very difficult transition period.  After all, I had a family, how was I going to feed them if I couldn't eat ANYTHING.  Denial set it.  For several years, denial was my coping mechanism.  Often times, I would go on a spree of not taking care of myself.  Many hospitalizations followed.  Unfortunately, it became a part of my regular life.  Today, I still struggle with acceptance.  I still feel like I should be able to conquer this disease.  But, as my good diabetic friend says, we must cope with the cards we have been dealt and do our best to grow.  I have often times learned to go through the motions and still not accepted the reality.  This will be a part of me the rest of my life.  However, I am now out of the hospital for six years.  While some of this is the addition of the insulin pump in my life, a lot of it is because I am learning to thrive.  As stated in an earlier post, survival is no longer enough for me.  I want to thrive.  I want to be the mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend that has energy and feels good.  This cannot be done without good self care.  How am I doing?  Ok  I have developed a strong support system around me.  One of which is my diabetic friend.  We met upon diagnosis through JDRF.  She was my mentor at the time.  We are much more than that now, we are truly friends.  It is so nice to have someone to turn to and say this really stinks and hear someone say back I can relate.  While friends and family are there for you,  it is so nice to have a person on the same phase as you, a fellow mom, a fellow wife facing struggles of her own.  So, today, I have decided that I have diabetes, but I shall not let it define who I am as a person.  It is just a small bump in my road called life.  So, hold on to the steering wheel and stand your ground.  Thanks to all that have driven down the road with me and continue to do so.  God Bless

What it Means to Be a Sibling & Daughter

As a child, I was very close to all of my family.  They were my rock when I was on the ledge.  As an adult, this tradition continues.  I have 2 brothers and a sister.  I have found that as I grow older, I become closer with my family.  I depend on them for advice and unconditional love.  I depend on them to have listening ears in times of need.  In return, I hope that I am just as supportive and loving.  Life to me is often about reciprocation.  Giving and taking as needs arise.  Thank you to all my family for sticking by me through thick and thin, ups and downs, laughter and tears.  Love you all!

Being the Wife of His Dreams

HAHAHAHA........dreams.  Well maybe not that far.  But, God created women to stand beside their husbands.  That is why he took the rib from Adam to create a woman suitable for him.  He could've taken any part, but he chose the rib.  Standing beside our spouses can be difficult in times of conflict, particulary when you have children to raise.  My husband and I have been married going on 17 years.  We have faced many tribulations financially, medically, and just as a couple.  Through it all, we have grown as people and as a couple.  I read online an example of ten commandments of marriage for couples.  I found them quite helpful.  It says "Marriage is not a one-time commitment but rather a daily choice to love your spouse the best you can"  A daily choice.  How true that is.  You must wake up each day striving to be the best you can.  We may fall, but this is not a failure. This is a learning experience and an opportunity for growth.  Here are the 10 commandments they listed for a strong marriage.  Thou shalt show respect.  Thou shalt be affectionate.  Thou shalt communicate.  Though shalt forgive.  Thou shalt be kind.  Thou shalt be appreciative.  Thou shalt be loyal.  Thou shalt find balance.  Thou shalt be honest.  Thou shalt make decisions together.  Now, take a moment to soak that in.  How are we doing as spouses?  I know for me each of these can be a struggle at times.  Just remember, 2 is better than 1 and marriage is not 50/50 it is 100/100 all the time.  Take Care.

Life as a Mom

I am a mom of 2 beautiful children, ages 11 and 12.  Both of my children have ADHD which is well controlled with medication.  Being the mom of two active children is a blessing in my life.  (at times, remember we are approaching our teenage years, lol)  Below is a poem that was read at my kids preschool graduation.  While then I cried and cried.....I now see it as a great way to look at being a mother.  We spend our lives guiding our children, but in the end we have to trust that we have trained them right and that they will prosper.  While I am not ready to let go of the beanstalk yet, I know it will be a short time.  :-)

Thoughts at the Bottom of the Beanstalk

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Jack who was about to climb his very first beanstalk. He had a fresh haircut and a brand-new book bag.

     Even though his friends in the neighborhood had climbed this same beanstalk almost every day last year, this was Jack's first day and he was a little nervous. So was his mother.

     Early in the morning she brought him to the foot of the beanstalk. She talked encouragingly to Jack about all the fun he would have that day and how nice his giant would be. She reassured him that she would be back to pick him up at the end of the day. For a moment they stood together, silently holding hands, gazing up at the beanstalk. To Jack it seemed much bigger than it had when his mother had pointed it out on the way to the store last week. His mother thought it looked big, too. She swallowed. Maybe she should have held Jack out a year...

      Jack's mother straightened his shirt one last time, patted his shoulder and smiled down at him. She promised to stay and wave while he started climbing. Jack didn't say a word.

     He walked forward, grabbed a low-growing stem and slowly pulled himself up to the first leaf. He balanced there for a moment and then climbed more eagerly to the second leaf, then to the third and soon he had vanished into a high tangle of leaves and stems with never a backward glance at his mother.

     She stood alone at the bottom of the beanstalk, gazing up at the spot where Jack had disappeared. There was no rustle, no movement, no sound to indicate that he was anywhere inside.

     "Sometimes," she thought, "it's harder to be the one who waves good-bye than it is to be the one who climbs the beanstalk."

     She wondered how Jack would do. Would he miss her? How would he behave? Did his giant understand that little boys sometimes acted silly when they felt unsure? She fought down an urge to spring up the stalk after Jack and maybe duck behind a bean to take a peek at how he was doing.

     "I'd better not. What if he saw me?" She knew Jack was really old enough to handle this on his own. She reminded herself that, after all this was thought to be an excellent beanstalk and that everyone said his giant was not only kind but had outstanding qualifications.

     "It's not so much that I'm worried about him," she thought, rubbing the back of her neck. "It's just that he's growing up and I'm going to miss him."

     Jack's mother turned to leave. "Jack's going to have lots of bigger beanstalks to climb in his life," she told herself.

     "Today's the day he starts practicing for them...

And today's the day I start practicing something too: Cheering him on and waving good-bye."

(Author Unknown)

Being a Christian Woman

Being a Christian woman in today's rushed society can be quite difficult.  Often times, it is easier to push it to the wayside as we find more and more things to occupy our time.  I have found it very easy to do this.  Whether it be family excuses, being tired excuses, or just anxiety excuses.  All of these fit the bill quite well.  While I don't believe that Christian practices must take place in a church, I have found for me that I need to have fellowship with other believers in order to stay stronger in my faith.  That being said, fellowship is very difficult for me.  I have some amount of social anxiety.  So, if I am having a tough day with it I don't go to church group or attend church on Sunday.  This may happen several times in a row.  Then becomes the journey back.  Often the most difficult path for me, I struggle to return.  I am trying to learn that every day is a new day to start a new beginning.  So, whether or not I have been what others may deem as "successful" you can make today a success.  That being said, this is my new beginning.........Prayer, Devotional Time, Church Group, and Sunday Church.  Please pray that I shall continue in my growth in Faith and continue to learn every day.  Thanks!

Who I Am

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path....Psalm 119:105

 

I am a Christian

I am a Woman

I am a Mom

I am a Wife

I am a Sibling
I am a Daughter

I am a Diabetic

I am a Bipolar Person

 

 

Stating who you are is an interesting thing.  We are all many things in different facets of our lives.  However, life is about not letting these things define you as a person.  For instance, I have diabetes.  However, that will not overtake my sense of who I am inside, it is just a trait that I have as an individual.  Above all of these "definitions" we must remember, we are children of God and he made us just the way we are and loves us just the way we are.  This is often difficult to swallow particularly when we are in a tunnel of darkness.  We all have different "tunnels" that we fight.  The importance of surrounding ourselves with a support system when we are in a tunnel is very important.  For me, I have found that in many places.  Family, Friends, Counseling, but above all in my Faith.  Today, shall begin a new adventure in my life.  Learning to thrive and not survive.  Join me in this journey and let's grow together!