Digging out of the Dark with Christ

Happy 2024! Many leap into the year with joy as a new beginning has come. But for me, I have been in the depths of a deep depressive Bipolar episode. So, what am I doing? I turned to my support system. But, more than that, I turned to my Faith. I reached out to the Associate Pastor at church and we met. I also turned toward reading the Bible and seeking help. Is it helping? Slowly, I am seeing the light. While nothing is an overnight fix, knowing that you aren't alone is so helpful. I have found a new theme song for my current status. It is Cody Carnes – Firm Foundation (He Won't) Below are the lyrics. I really relate to them and know that with my foundation in Christ, I can make it through anything. Take care and God Bless! Christ is my firm foundation The rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaken I've never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus 'Cause He's never let me down He's faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't I've still got joy in chaos I've got peace that makes no sense So I won't be going under I'm not held by my own strength 'Cause I've built my life on Jesus He's never let me down He's faithful in every season So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't He won't fail, He won't fail Rain came and wind blew But my house was built on You I'm safe with You I'm gonna make it through Oh, rain came and wind blew But my house was built on You And I'm safe with You I'm gonna make it through Yeah, I'm gonna make it through 'Cause my house is built on you Christ is my firm foundation The rock on which I stand When everything around me is shaken I've never been more glad That I put my faith in Jesus 'Cause He's never let me down He's faithful through generations So why would He fail now? He won't, He won't He won't fail, He won't fail He won't

Dr Appt and Getting OLD

So, yesterday, I continued an important part of my journey to a healthier me. For years, I battled the ups and downs of diabetes, but have stabilized. So, I need to continue to make myself feel healthier. But, I am struggling with exhaustion and pain when trying to do any level of fitness. So, I reached out and went to my primary care dr yesterday. I don't have labs back yet, but he is please with my progress with diabetes and agrees that it's time to tackle weight and overall health. So, he is screening my vitamins and my hormones....oh the joy of getting old. haha In the meantime, he said magnesium would help with the leg cramps and I will start that tonight. This is just a reminder post that we don't have so stay stagnant and accept how we feel if it's not great. There is always room to improve and change. Thanks for sticking by my side through all the ups and downs. Take care and God Bless!

The Healing Process of Writing

Hi all.....I know it's been almost a year since I posted. Well, this year has been really tough for me and I have spent very little time on myself. Emotionally, I have been a roller coaster mess. Physically, I have gained weight and struggling. On Aug 1, I got diagnosed with Vertigo. I have had many illnesses but this one knocked my for a loop. On Aug 16, I began to work from home on an accomodation from work due to the vertigo. YAHOO....right? Well, at first I thought so. But, this lasted almost 2 months and the mental games began to take over. Being alone is not good for bipolar, depression, or anxiety. So, I secluded in my head. I continued to gain weight and sink into my hole. Thankfully, I have a wonderful church that has helped me get out, but I still found darkness. So, today, I remembered when and why I started blogging. It became an escape and release for me. It allowed me to get things out of my head and in hope it helps others in the same suffering. So, today, I went back and read my blogs. See in life, I feel like we dwell on the things we haven't done or changed. For me, I have not lost weight, I have not conquered the depression, I have not fixed diabetes (Which isn't possible) But, you know what I have done? I have grown and learned. I have continued to try. I haven't stopped and given up on progress. Sometimes, that is all that matters. A couple years back, my mom and sister and I chose words for the year. Persistance was mine. This still holds true. I have not given up. So, how am I? Diabetes----My A1C is 6.4 which is the average blood sugar in a 3 month period. Ya'll in the depths of the depression and chaos, this was in the teens. Faith----I have continued to search for a home and have finally found it at Grace Hill here in Omaha. Church is to be a safe place; a place where you don't feel judged; a place for peace and renewal. This is what I have found and feel so blessed to have found this. Depression/Bipolar---So, this is a huge area of not giving up and always looking for the better way. I refuse to be complacent in my pain and have continued to search for progress. I found a new psychiatrist and we have found a good medicinal regimen. So, what's my problem? I'm not fixed. Bipolar is filled with ebb and flow. I have decided to return to counseling as I belive that medicine is not the end all, cure all. I need someone to talk to. Weight/Physical -- Well, this is not good. I currently weigh 232 lbs and am dissapointed. While this is not my highest weight, physically I am in a tough spot. I am struggling with physical movement and it is scary. My legs cramp when I walk short distances. My back hurts consistently. My energy level is low. So....what's next? Today I can honestly say, I don't know for sure. I know it's a time to change, but I am not sure what step is next. I see my counselor on the 25th and hope to begin to build a plan to change. Often times, I have addressed superficial topics rather than the issues behind them. I want to dig deep and begin to heal. I want to learn coping mechanisms to help my daily fight with depression and anxiety. For today, I continue living and am grateful that God gave me another day. Until next time, take care and God Bless!

23 Hard Things in 2023

In 2022, I began following a lady on instagram who has motivated me to make some changes for the new year. My list is not complete, but this is the beginning and sorted to 2 tasks a month. Totall doable! New year, new beginning! Until next time, take care and God bless!

Persistance

Hi and Happy Wednesday! Today, I am sitting reflecting on some recent changes I've made in my routine and being grateful that I am full of perseverance. I did see a new psychiatrist and was prescribed a new medication for my bipolar. You know, sometimes, I am my worst critic. I go through life playing a game of comparison. Playing the why me game or the why not me one. Today, though I realized that I'm not a quitter. Through the bipolar, the diabetes, the arthritis, I don't give up or give in. That is something I'm clinging on to! Recently, my name came up for a gym locker here at Union Pacific. There it was, a sign. It's time to change and adapt once again. So, I buddied up with a good friend and we are committed to doing this one day at a time! Today, I have an appt with the trainer to establish a full workout routine tailor made to me. I am beyond NERVOUS and excited. After all, what if... But, this is where I let fear and the inner voice paralyze me. Not today, I got this! Sometimes, I lean on others for my strength and that's ok. But, day by day, one positive thought after another, I'm doing this. I am learning to lean on my own strength also. So, today, dig deep and know that we got this....one day at a time, sometimes, one second at a time. Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Imperfect Progress

“Progress. Just make progress. It’s okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It’s okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again—and again. Just make sure you’re moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.” Excerpt From Unglued Devotional Lysa TerKeurst https://books.apple.com/us/book/unglued-devotional/id585301325 This material may be protected by copyright. So, today I saw my counselor after about 3 months of pretending everything was ok. Truth is, I haven't been ok. I stopped my psych meds about a month ago. She asked me why. I said I don't think they were helping me. So, we dug deeper. She said, are you worse on or off the meds. Clearly, the answer is off. The spiral begins and I feel like I am sinking. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 11 years ago and the age of 35. At that time, I felt like it was a blessing because I could put a title on the feelings I have. But, over the 11 years, I have struggled to accept that this will be with me the rest of my life. So, I go "numb" But, the numbness comes with darkness and self doubt. It comes with a dark tunnel that is so hard to find my way out of. So, We discussed more. She said to me, you have established a support system around you of people with different specialities. She said lean into them and let them help you. She said you wouldn't come to me for medication or cooking advice, but you have people in your corner. Don't try to self cure. WOWZERS. That was eye opening for me and 100% accurate. So, today, she said see you next week and I commit to digging deep. Thursday, I see a new psychiatrist and get some fresh eyes on my treatment plan. My encouragement to ya'll today? Take a step back. Are you a better you than you were yesterday or working towards that goal? If you answered yes, that's a success! I sometimes feel like I am stuck and not progressing. But, I'm no longer hospitalized every 6 months for poor self care with my diabetes. I no longer wallow in self pity without reaching out. Progress people, progress! So tonight, I sat to read my devotional and ta dah...there God was in the midst of it all reminding me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and he is right beside me on my path. So for now, I will go and remind myself that you are continuing to grow and learn and become the a better version of yourself. Take note! Until next time, take care and God Bless!

What is healthy???

So, today I found out that my younger cousin was just diagnosed with Lymphoma It's a type of Cancer. See, she had breast cancer and kicked its booty and now this. So, upon this, I begin to study myself and my own self care/health. Lately, I have been stuck in a spot, paralyzed of sorts. But, I've been here before. And you know,there's a way out. It's through Faith and baby steps. Each step, one by one brings you closer to goals and a better place in life. So, today, what is healthy? Healthy is a place of contentment and intitionality. Every day, I need to live with intention. Live in a way that I am honoring the vessel on earth I have been given. Live in a way that not only makes others proud, but makes myself proud. And, I got this. So, carry on and live your life with intention. Take care and God Bless!

And so it begins…

Today is day 1 for nutrisystem. Last night we took before pictures which I'll post below. So far, here is my evaluation. Food is good. BUT, the cravings are real. I suppose it's similar to detox. But, I know I can do this and am determined to become a healthier version of me. Until next time. Take care and God Bless!

It's Here!!!!

The food has arrived!!!! Needless to say, I don't believe I will starve. With further research, I get 3 meals and 1 nutristystem snack a day. I also, get 4 servings of vegetables. 2 power fuels which are essentially proteins, and 2 smart carbs which are fruits and other misc. Feb 1 is game on! I got this! Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Faith by God

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:8 – 10 NIV 1984” Excerpt From Unglued Lysa TerKeurst https://books.apple.com/us/book/unglued/id585305608 This material may be protected by copyright I read this today in my book called Unglued. The book is about being able to control our emotions. This scripture reminded me that if I lean on my faith and know that my God is there to support us in our lives. Emotions such as anger and frustration are emotions that often cloud our real feelings. Feelings of failure and self doubt. Failure and self doubt are deep in a place that I find easy to wallow in. The poor me syndrome. But, God knows everything before we even do it. He has a path for us all and is there to support us as we traverse his path. So, as I begin my journey down the path of weight loss, it is a multi-faceted journey. One of which I seek to push the stop button when negative thoughts enter and lean on my Faith to get through. I hope to realize that God gave us the vessel and it is our job to honor this in everything we do including eating and self care. My bipolar often makes it difficult for me to understand and follow through. But, through continuation of my medication and a supportive counselor, I got this! I sent this blog to my family and with overwhelming support, I know I can do this! I am so lucky to have what I have in them and in my God and shall continue to savor this blessing. Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Imperfect Progress

"Progress. Just make progress. It’s okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It’s okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again—and again. Just make sure you’re moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good.” Excerpt From Unglued Lysa TerKeurst https://books.apple.com/us/book/unglued/id585305608 This material may be protected by copyright. Imperfection, such a tough word to swallow. See, I like everything in straight rows, without mess, without trouble. Hmmm, the key word here is I LIKE. But, that's just not how realy life works. Through the years of blogging, I have shared many journeys. Journeys of Faith. Journeys of diagnoses. Journeys of the roles I live. Even several journeys of my struggle with weight. I hope I have expressed the need for imperfection. Yet, here I am, January 2022, still seeking perfection and the easy way. Well, this isn't going to be easy. Life isn't easy. I will be on a roller coaster of ups and downs, but in the end I will hit the end with my arms up screaming in joy that I've made it. What am I talking about? For once and for all, I am embarking on my journey through thick and thin. For once, I am committed to staying on the coaster. I know there will be highs and lows. Good days and bad days. But, I have to do this. One time, my sister said, if I don't take care of myself, she will bury me by the time I turn 50. Wowzers. It shook me to the core. Made me think. Yet, I took no action, no commitment to heal myself inside and out. Lately, I found a counselor and am working on healing the inside. Now it's time to take hold and work on the outside. Today, I signed up for Nutrisystem. Total nervous wreck in preparation. A great feeling of enthusiasm and anxiety. Will I succeed? Will I be able to make the changes I need? Truth is, I don't know. I do know that I have a word this year. It's persistent. I will not give up and give in to the chaos. Here's the good news, imperfection is ok. As long as I stay the course and don't give up, I am succeeding. So please, cheer me on as I embark on this journey. Text me to check in and send me a cheerleader emoji. I GOT THIS! Until next time, take care and God bless!

Living through the Diagnosis

It's 6:45 Am and I'm sitting in the hospital waiting room for more testing. Over the years, I've endured a lot of tests and know this is just another one, but yet I feel sad. I am going to be tested for Gasteroparesis. It's a side effect of diabetes that effects your digestion. So why by sad. Because, it's just another possibility of another diagnosis. I'm sooo tired of this. So I'm brought into the room at 7 and am told the test will last up to 4 hours. Essentially, you eat some eggs with radioactive stuff in it and they follow it through the digestion process through X-rays. FOUR HOURS!!! So they scan you immediately, then every half hour for 2 hours and then every hour up until 4 hours. It's not a painful test, just an x-ray but the waiting. On we go. I finally finish the 4 hours and go home. I anxiously wait for the results. Then they come.....I have gasteroparesis. THUD. I knew I did just from the symptoms I have had but still wasn't ready to hear it for sure. So what do I do next, I call my sister and my mom. I talk all positively about the relief of knowing. And it was a real conversation but inside I still felt saddened. Later that evening, I sit home and cry. Why is it that every time something could potentially be wrong, it is. Why is it that it's always me. Why am I the "freak of nature" my husband jokingly calls me. So I go to bed sad realizing that this is another life altering moment in my life. How will I take it? What will I do with it? Will I sit in my sorrows or grow? This is a pivotal moment for me. I've had several moments like these, but here I am 44 years old sitting with yet another diagnosis and realizing that maybe just maybe God is whispering/yelling to me to slow down and take care of myself. Its time for change! So, how am I going to change? What does gasteroparesis mean? Essentially, it's the slowing of the emptying of your stomach. The nerves are impacted by diabetes. So, here is the hard part for me. I want to go all in. I'm gonna start walking a bazillion miles and only eat healthy, etc. But, then what happens consistently is I give up. So, here's the down and dirty. It's time for a mindset change above all else. Do something today different than you did yesterday. That's all you can do is improve yourself and keep changing daily. That's my wish today....may I be different today than I was yesterday. Plan something different. Walk a little. Eat a little different. May we all be blessed with a new morning, a new chance! Until next time, take care and God Bless.!

Don’t Stop Believing

I think there’s a song about that.  But for me, It’s just hard to believe in my heart.  I know I’m not alone in this battle of the mind.  I know that I’m not unique in my disbelief in my own self worth.  And most of all, I know I’m not alone in not believing that I can commit and follow through.

But, I try and keep on trying.  And for that, I give myself a round of applause.

So today, once again, I decide to persevere and continue on my journey.  I recently got a Renpho scale.  It shows you your weight and then links to an app.  The app shows your BMI, and some other data based on your height.  The realization is rough.  But, as you know, we all start somewhere.  And for me, I push on.

So here are the reality numbers

And here are my starter pictures

So, how am I going to change?  What am I going to do with myself?  The answer is I don’t know.  I’m tired of crash dieting.  I’m tired of giving up.  But, it’s so hard.  I have a support circle.  I have a wonderful fitness motivation group I belong to on facebook.  I have the access to workout things.  And what do I do?  NOTHING.  But, I have to do it.  I have to do it for myself, my kids, and my future.  I want to witness weddings.  I want to live.  I want to thrive and not just survive.  So, I am asking for support in my journey.  Support like I’ve never had before.  Whether or not I do it on my own or look at weight loss surgery.  I will make it.  I can do it.  Thanks all.  Until next time, take care and God Bless!

What box are you in?

As most of you know, my faith is very important to me.  Sometimes, in difficult times, I turn away.  But, I always circle back to my faith and what I know to be truth.

This week Water’s Edge Sermon was interesting to me.  I talks about boxes we put ourselves, others, and God into.  So, I sat and thought about it.  You know, I started this blog in 2015.  My life 5 years ago, my mental health, my physical health was in a very different place than it is now.  Mentally, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar.  Physical, I had been diabetic for about 10 years.  Yet, the acceptance was still not there.

So, why do I bring this up?  Well my very first blog post was about this very topic.

I find it interesting that in 5 years, I still find myself in a box.  I still find myself struggling to break through and become Julie.  I think we all struggle with this at time.  Here’s what I believe to be the key.  It’s ok to operate in different boxes.  But, we have to know that we can’t do it all at one time.  It’s ok to rearrange the boxes.

Now, putting others in boxes.  That’s another tough one.  I do that.   This person is a do-Gooder.  This one is a workaholic.  Etc.  This is hard to break.

Then the final aspect, putting God in a box.  I can’t wait for my Bible study group tomorrow to talk about this.  I guess my take on it is this.  I put God in a box of “Good”. Meaning that I think he is only there for us when we are “behaving”. But, this isn’t true.  God is there in thick and thin.  He is there to help us through the bad times and celebrate the good times with us.  He isn’t only there when you are doing great in all your boxes.  He’s there to lift you.  He’s not only there when you are happy and nice and all rainbows and smiles.  He’s also there to pull you out of the tunnel.  When we think he’s gone and we don’t have any hope.  There he is, patiently waiting for our call.  This is hard for me.  When I am in a dark place, when I feel imperfect, I think I’m successful at hiding from my Faith.  Yet, he sees all and knows all in our hearts.  We are all works in progress and the teacher is always silent when you are being tested.  So, just remember, he is still there in your room, in your heart, in your darkness.  Reach out in prayer, journal, whatever your outlet may be.  Reach out and he will respond with open arms and ears.

Until next time, Take care and God Bless!

All or Nothing?

Hello faithful followers.  I’m writing in the midst of a unique time of isolation.  We are in the middle of a pandemic due to Coronavirus/Covid-19.  I have not worked at my office since March 19.  Very surreal.  Yet, I am very grateful for having the opportunity to work from home and still maintain my job.  Others are not so lucky.

So what is my topic for today?  All or nothing....what does that mean?  Time for a trip inside the mind of Julie....WOO HOOO! Ok, so in the past let’s say 43 years, I’ve found myself in an all or nothing mindset.  I hate it.  But, it’s real.  I know I’m not alone in this.

For the past week, I have been helping to run a fitness/nutrition group on facebook ran by my Beachbody coach.  Now, for those of you that know me, posting about my life is not exactly in my comfort zone.  But, Shannon encouraged me that I could do it.  And you know what, I could and did.

So, here’s my social anxiety in full bloom and yet I set a goal and did it.  So, today was my final post for the group.  Here is what I posted....Ok all, raise your hand if you’re an all or nothing thinker.  C’mon tell me I’m not alone.. So, I’ve been thinking this last week about goals.  My sister and I talk frequently about taking one baby step and mastering it before moving on.  So, what is it?  What is your one goal?  When would you like to achieve it by?  True confession time.  I’m a soda addict.  I don’t keep it at home, but out to dinner or grabbing food, it’s there in my face.  And yes, it’s real soda.  Not diet, not zeron.  100% pure junk.  So, that’s my goal.  I want to eliminate it for the next month.  Now tag, you’re it.

There you have it.  All the time, when stuck in my own mind, I think of 10-15 things I’m determined to change about myself.  ALL AT ONE TIME!

HMM....I can’t figure out why i feel like I fail all the time.  Oh wait, cuz I set myself up for it.

So, why am I writing this?  To offer grace.  To offer grace to others and to myself.  To learn that it’s ok to not change/fix everything at one time.  It’s a tough lesson for me, but very necessary at the same time.  So, please join me in my journey of faith and grace.  Love yourself for who you are.  Set reasonable goals one at a time.  Don’t think that all is wrong with you and your life.  Take it from me, it gets you nowhere.

Thanks for all the love and constant support.  Take care and God bless!

The Miracle Morning

" The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams."

I am in a Facebook accountability group with some friends of mine.  While it was initially set up as a group about fitness and nutrition, it has become a group of friends trying to be the best us we can be.  Recently, the leader told us of a book titled The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM ) By Hal Elrod.

Well, first of all, who doesn't like secrets.  On top of that.....who wouldn't like to transform our life?  Sounds too good to be true doesn't it?  Well, Hal's book rewinds back to the basics and helps you to change step by step.

One of my favorite quotes he wrote is "You are just as worthy, deserving, and capable of creating and sustaining extraordinary health, wealth, happiness, love, and success in your life, as any other person on earth"  Let that soak in.  I sometimes don't believe this in my heart of hearts.  Yet, this hit me and said Yes I Am.

I could send quotes and quotes from the book that I loved.  But, the overall theme is, you  have to believe in yourself in order to see successes.  He says "Our outer world will always be a reflection of our inner world"

So, today may not be like any other day.  But, to me, I see....there's a light in my tunnel.  It's about me learning to go towards the light instead of staying in my pity party.

So, join me in the light.  Wake up each day grateful for the blessings and looking at the not so blessings as learning opportunities.  As a friend of mine at work on the same journey continues to say.....We Got This!

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Human Being or Human Doing

Groceries, work, school, dinners, fitness, meetings, phones, internet...the list could go on forever.  Today's society teaches us that MORE is more.  Doing more things will make us feel accomplished and happy.  And, unfortunately, I like many others have fallen into this same trap.  But, let's stop and check......how are we really feeling?  Do you wake up excited to go run the marathon once again.  Do you feel confidence that you never had?

Ok, so time for evaluation.  There are certainly things in our lives that we have to do to maintain life.  Getting food and going to work/school are necessities.  But, at what speed.  Do we have to drive over the speed limit and squeeze something into every second of our day/night.  Is it healthy for us? 

Yesterday, I began seeing a new counselor.  She said that we spend too much time as human doings that we don't take time to be human beings.

Human being--what does that mean?  Well here is my take on it.  Being is just existing, living in the moment and savoring the experience.  It's all part of self care and reflection.  Do we do that?  Do we ever really take time to just sit and reflect on what's around us, not always inside of us.  I know that I don't. 

We did some deep breathing exercises.  I breathe, right, we all do.  But wow, you don't realize the shallow breathing you do until you really take 3-5 minutes to knock it off.  Racing heart gone, clenched fists gone.  Just you, silence, and your breath.  She said...your breath is powerful and I realized how true that was.  Just sitting and breathing.  Truly trying to relax every part of your body.  Just simplicity but powerful none the less

So last night, I had church group.  I have some definite people anxiety but have realized without transparency, relationships don't form completely.  So, I have chosen to pick what I call safe environments to open up about my mental health struggles.  This is one of them.  They immediately asked how the new counselor went.  You know, in one of few rare moments in my life I was like, these people genuinely care about me for me.  Not because I'm Mac or Cody's mom.....Neal's wife....etc.  They look at me as someone with value in their life.  Wow...what an awesome feeling.

Now, here's the kicker.  I am challenging myself to find value in my own life, in my own being.  It's easy for others to tell you things and let them settle in your head.  But, settling in your heart is a whole other world.

So, today, I pledge to slow down and quit being a human doing.  I pledge that I will take the time to observe things around me and the greatness God has surrounded me with.  The blessings that I have been given in this life on earth. 

Often times, I have found it easy to have a self pity party, I mean I have lots of struggles I battle.  But, we never know what others are battling.  So, in church group we talked about slowing down and being a listener rather than a judge.  I pledge that I'm going to realize that we don't know others stories and we need to work on genuine care and concern for all human beings. 

In closing, I have rambled on.  But, I used to come into work early to have some Julie time in peace.  I've found myself rushing in the morning and losing that time. 

So for today, I shall close with a deep breath and encourage us all to find something positive to focus on, be it large or small, this positivity can change the world.

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Living Through the Trials with Grace & Faith

So, it's been awhile since I've written.  Life and Time just seems to pass by so quickly anymore.  So what have I been up to. 

Well, this past month has been a rough time.  Sometimes in life, we feel like we are trucking along doing fine.  Sometimes during those times, we have trials in front of us.  This month has been that for me.

Physically:  My diabetes took a dive this month.  The end of June, I began to have elevated blood sugars.  I couldn't really connect the why and just assumed that it would get better by itself.  So three days at work, giving insulin boosts 25 units at a time with no improvement.  Thursday came and I just didn't feel great.  So I went to lay down at 6:00.  Mac came in and asked what was wrong.  I said I didn't feel good. She asked what my blood sugar was.  I said over 600.  She said how long?  I said 3 days.  She said I'll be back.  Bless this kid.  Next came her and Neal asking if I should go into the hospital.  Now, those of you that have known me, I have had way too much quality time in that place and can't stand having to go.  But, at this time, I knew it was what I needed to do.  So, hair a mess, and in my pajamas, Neal took me to Lakeside Hospital here in Omaha.  He left me in the ER because I figured it wouldn't be a big deal.  Got into a room and they drew some blood.  Blood sugar 767.  sigh.  And with that, I knew I would probably be kept inpatient.  Long story short, I was there through Monday.  I was off of the insulin pump on an insulin drip in ICU.  They sent me home on insulin shots with the thinking that my pump had malfunctioned.  I saw my endocrine on Tuesday.  We agreed to call the pump people and do some tests on it and then transition back to my pump.  All the tests worked fine so back on the pump and sensor by the end of the week.  All was ok...right?

Emotionally:  So, all was fine, right.  I'm out of the hospital and back on the pump.  Hip Hip Hooray!  Well, then came the curtain of shame I have often dealt with.  Diabetes for me has never been an exact science as I'm considered a brittle diabetic.  And you know what, it just stinks.  Why can't I just MAKE it work?  Why can't I just BE NORMAL?  Bam....they why's become because you aren't capables and the aren't worthy.  I know that's a large jump but it's how my brain works and being transparent is the best way to personal connections.  So, I see my counselor.  Right out of the hospital.  I'm in euphoria from getting out of the hospital and back to work and it was like a concrete process.  But, then a week later,  The process is done and I'm stuck with my own thoughts.  They are ugly.  I just knew I had caused my diabetes to mess up.  If I had only poked my finger one more time, ate one more vegetable, it would've changed the outcome. 

So then comes yesterday, my next counseling appointment is here.  The first question I'm always asked is how are you?  My immediate response was exhausted.  Without hesitation, there it is.  But, what did I mean.  Was I sleepy?  No.  I just felt mentally wiped out.  Anyways, the conversation continues and I just talk about how I feel about the diseases I deal with and how hard it is.  She says that in all chronic illnesses, we cannot control 100% of what happens.  With diabetes, it's more of a 70-30 ratio.  We can control what we eat, how often we test, dr appts.  But, what number pops up on that screen is out of my control.  Wow.  That sounds so basic but for me it was eye opening.  Then comes the bipolar.  That is more 60-40 she says.  Because I can control that I take my medicine, and who I surround myself with.  But, 40% of the time my emotional state may vary.  Again, a realization

So What's New Right?  Well here's something that is new that is also in this mix.  I am having hearing loss.  A little more than a year ago, I noticed upon waking up that I wasn't hearing hardly at all.  But, I just thought it was a morning phenomenon.  About 2 months ago, I noticed it more frequently to the point that people around me were pointing it out.  So, I went to my primary care dr.  I essentially failed the hearing test on my left ear.  My right ear I missed the lower tones.  So we weren't sure the cause and he put me on an antibiotic for 2 weeks just to ensure it wasn't an infection.  My follow up was Thursday.  The tests did not show improvement.  So, I have an appt Monday with an ENT.  But, then comes the mind....you know nothing ever turns out ok...you know it's probably cuz you screwed up your diabetes...and there it goes.  SIGH!

So What's the Conclusion?  My counselor said, I need to surround myself with caring people.  I need to know that it's ok to be taken care of sometimes.  That's hard, see, I always feel like I have to be the caretaker and with everything going on, I'm exhausted.  And here's the other tough piece, as discussed in previous blogs, I am kind of an introvert.  So, this would involve reaching out in vulnerability.  But I did it.  I texted my friend from church that I've know since the kids were just little.  We are doing breakfast next Sunday before church.  Then I texted two of the girls in my small group and asked if we could do dinner this week.  And you know what.....I'm still alive.  It didn't kill me to reach out!  :-)

Today at Church.  So, this morning I went to church with family.  After church, another of the women from small group came up to me and said she had read my blog and that my story was inspirational.  What a fantastic word.  From Me?  I was flattered.  She said, I don't say stuff unless I mean it.  So, here's my a ha moment.  No matter how screwed up you feel, no matter how ashamed you are.....be transparent.  Let others know what you're going through cuz we never know what chapter others are in.  And by developing personal relationships, the ebb and flow ensues.  Sometimes, they may need you to be their rock.  Others, it's the opposite.  But, being our own rock is a sure way to sink in the ocean of life.

In closing, I want to thank the motivational people in my life who keep supporting me.  You know who you are.  I hope you all know the daily/minutes of impact that you continue to make in my life.  I hope that you all realize that I am there for you all too. 

Until next time, take care and God Bless!

Baby Steps and the All or Nothing Mentality

A baby takes their first steps.  They are proud and they are in awe of the new accomplishment.

As an adult, we tend to lose the awe.  Throughout the years, I have slowly stepped away from the pride that comes with each new day and struggled with the all or nothing mentality.  I start out fresh.  I start out looking at each day as a new opportunity.  But inevitably I find myself giving up.  Frustrated with myself.  Looking at what I've done and saying it's not enough.

Maybe it's around my parenting, my marriage, my friendships.  But, often times it's around self care.  While I know diabetes & bipolar are partially frustrating.  My weight is a struggle that I seem to put aside.  I am 42 now, almost 43 and I have struggled for over 10 years with this. 

Every step I take is followed by a back step over time.  Eating, Exercise,  Me time.  All of them.  I don't want to be this way the rest of my life.  I want to be a role model.  But, I often don't know where to begin.  With this mentality, I'm stuck.

So, where do I go from here?  How can I begin to acknowledge that I am enough just the way I am.  How can I take baby steps each day and acknowledge them?

All I can do is try again.  I work well with writing things down and checking off my dailies.  So, that is where I will start.  When I went to counseling this week, I discussed the struggle.  Once I made a spreadsheet.  On it, I wrote necessity, would be nice, and extras. 

So application, necessity.  Testing my blood sugars is vital to my long term side effects.  Staying on medication is necessary for mental stability.  Eating and exercise.  Here goes the all in stinkin thinkin.  I will eat healthy, I will stop snacking, I will give up sodas.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  I will workout with a trainer twice a week.  Other days, I will workout on my own for minimum of 30 minutes.  Do you think I will succeed?  Maybe for a week.  Then, I will find the backslide. 

So here's the real deal.  I will pick one meal to begin to manage.  For me, it's dinner.  I often am "tired" and don't "feel" like cooking.  I have a solid menu and don't always apply it.  So that's the game plan.  Adjust my dinners to allow myself one night of eating out.  Enlist my 2 teenage kids for help twice a week. 

Around exercise.  3x a week is reasonable.  Not 7.  And I don't have to go all in hardcore.  Walking is a baby step to success.  Move, Move, Move.  That's the theme.

So, how long do I do this to recognize successes?  While weight loss is an ultimate goal, the real why is to feel healthier.  To make it up stairs without being wiped out.  To walk to work in the 2 block tunnel without being winded.  I think a 2 week measurement is a good goal to begin with.  So here I am.  Restarting my journey to a healthier me.  Thanks to all who I know support me and will continue to be my cheerleader.  On the dark days when I feel lonely, I try to remember that I am surrounded by people who care and reach out.  Sometimes it's difficult but I know transparency will help me through.

Until next time, Take care and God Bless!

Learning through Each Other

A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel...Proverbs 1:5

I think as humans, we are taught that we can do everything by ourselves, it's called independence right?   What I've always tried to figure out is relationships then.  What are they for?  Well, I believe that God placed us on Earth together to learn from and lean on each other. 

In Genesis 2:18, The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

I struggled with this for a long time.  I wanted to be the do all, know all in my life.  I even turned away from my Faith in these times.  But, I'm back.  As one of my favorite talk show hosts Dr. Phil Says.....How's that working for you?  The answer is....not well.  I always thought that depending on others meant a sign of weakness.

However, in the past 1-2 years, I realized, I can't function alone.  I have to have others.

Here's the other struggles I've had with my Faith.  The Why's.  Why did I get Bipolar?  How come I have high social anxiety?  What about Diabetes, why did it have to be me?

I believe that we are all given different experiences so we can be brought together to learn.  No matter what hand we are dealt, it could help someone else.

Recently, I have had 2 experiences that have tested my fears.  One was a inner-church women's retreat.  At it, we were split into groups of 3-4 with total strangers.  Big time smack in my social anxiety self.  But, I spoke up and said within the group, this is really uncomfortable for me.  I struggle in social situations.  And you know what, I wasn't judged.  I made a couple of great friends that day.  They all said they admired my honesty.  What?  Admired something I did?  Once I got it out, I really got it out, we all opened up and I learned so much from them.  Without that authenticity, I don't know what the experience would have been like.

The second of these experiences is in my small group.  For years, I have searched for a group of people I could really connect and experience faith with.  What I found is I haven't always been the most receptive person either.  But, finally I found a group of women I can trust.  Here is where the trust came into play.  Sometimes, I really struggle pushing through social anxiety.  Sometimes, like EVERY Thursday which is small group night.  You know how easy it has been to find excuses.  Well, pretty darn easy.  Anyhow, today, just today, I decided to fess up to my behaviors.  I wrote a short email to the leader and the others.  In it I told them of my struggle and how I loved that I had finally found a group of truly genuine women.  That it is still very hard for me to push through the door and show up.  But, I couldn't do it without knowing that I'm in a judge free zone.  I really feel like I needed to be real about what I had going on.

I guess my overall point is that you never know what something you say, do, or have learned can help others.  So, as hard as it can be, make baby steps to put yourself out there.  It will be ok.  God's got your back.

Take care and God Bless!