Bipolar---The Invisible Disease

Disease?  Mental Illness?  Aren't those just crutches in life?  Aren't they just a way to get away with not coping with troubles?  This is how I felt when the diagnosis of Bipolar was introduced in my life.  For years, I had struggled with ups and downs not understanding the cause.  In fact, after diagnosis I learned that my diabetic hospitalizations were often self harm attempts.  Ways to go numb as I say.  After treatment by different doctors and different medications, I decided to try a new psychiatrist.  That day, I laid it all out on the table, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It was the first time in my life where I was willing to be completely vulnerable around my issues.  What a relief.  It was like a weight was lifted off my chest.  And the best part was, the doctor didn't look at me and say you're nuts.  Instead, he looked at me and said, you are bipolar.  What did that mean?  I had always heard that bipolar was unbearable.  Yet, I was still a functioning adult for the most part.  With that diagnosis, treatment began.  Medications were tried, some worked, some didn't.  Mental health, the invisible illness.  There is such hype around mental health these days, that I was embarrassed.  While inside I was relieved to have an answer, on the outside I dawned my smile and pretended everything was ok.  In the beginning, denial was my coping mechanism, my brick wall, my numbing agent.  I am now learning (And yes I say learning because I am still learning every day)  that bipolar is a part of my life.  I have to treat it as something I have and not something that defines me.  Medication is a large part of treatment.  Sometimes, however, I want to test the waters.  I want to pretend that I am really ok and I no longer need medication.  Amazingly, I am wrong every time.  Originally, this pattern would be almost unrecognizable to myself.  As I went numb, I didn't recognize the symptoms I had or the reality that I was not doing well.  Often times it was a 2-3 month depression or mania.  Since then, I have sought counseling.  I am now recognizing episodes in 1-2 weeks and taken my medication on a regular basis.  My hope for others is to not let this illness define you and thrive!