My Journey

jour·ney

ˈ

noun: an act of traveling from one place to another.

                 Almost a year and a half ago I began a journey to a healthier me.  It began as an effort to lose weight, but has transformed into much more.  It has become a journey of self discovery.  I am learning that weight loss cannot only be measured by the number on the scale.  I am also learning that no matter where I am on the pathway, I must not give up.  The numbers have not moved the way I would like to say they have, but I am still pushing on.

                I have learned a lot about myself in the past year and a half.  I AM STRONG:  I am able to do far more than I ever thought I would be able to.  I AM BRAVE: I have stepped out of my comfort zone and learned new things in the process.  I AM LOVED: I have learned the importance of surrounding myself with a support group who is on their own journey.  I AM NOT ALONE: By being transparent about my journey, I have realized that everyone is on their own journey with battles and you should never feel like you are the only one on the pathway.

Behind the Mask

Ahh........Who doesn't love a good masquerade party????  Don't we all. It's all good, right?  Well all good.....until you crash into the reality called life. 

I have learned to hide behind masks all my life.  I have learned to make believe through anger, sadness, hopelessness, and even sometimes manic episodes.  I  have had masks through my marriage, my parenting, and various other relationships in life.

However, I have been working very hard in counseling to pull these masks off one by one.  I have learned that the method of lies and masks just causes things to cave in and snowball around you and cause stress.

So, here I am, naked.....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK  Look out Ethel!  lol

I am ready to take on the world minute by minute, piece by piece learning every step of the way.  I am ready to look at my marriage as a partnership and knock the wall down that I have had around myself. 

I know......watch out Julie......you're going manic.  Well, I feel a little different this time.  See mania is an interesting thing for me.  I think mania is another mask to hide fear.   I fear being alone or unaccepted.  Therefore, I do the core things people in a manic episode do.......spend money and get overinvolved.  But there is a key piece to mania I have recently discovered.  Loneliness.  It's funny.  People seem so happy in manic states.  But, behind the "mask" is sadness.  That's why this is different.  I am heading into life head first but not alone.  I have a family filled with love supporting me and a newfound partnership in my marriage.

I kinda babbled this time.  But, I guess my overall point is.........when life seems to much to handle.  Don't put on the mask and hide.....step out from behind the mask and reach out for help.  Nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

Take care and God Bless

Living Beyond Yourself

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."  Galatians 5: 22-23

So I asked my counselor, is it a good idea to join a small group at church right now.  Her answer was no that I shouldn't take anything else on right now.  But......what does she know.....she's only the professional. 

Anyhow, I went against the odds and dove in head first last night.  See, I have been in a spiritual rut.  I have been consumed with external stresses and not been able to focus on anything.  I made the decision that I needed to surround myself with the word and other believers and I'm glad I did.

Last night was the first night of the Bible study.  It is from 630-830 on Wednesday nights.  There was a large group of 18 women last night. It is called Living Beyond Yourself-Exploring the Fruit of the Spirit by Beth Moore.  It is an hour long video by Beth Moore, discussion and prayer time with homework.  ARGH HOMEWORK.  :-)  This is why I wasn't supposed to take anything else on.   In the past though, I have given up.  I didn't do my work, so I just gave up.  This time, I commit to being different.  I will do what I can.  And if I don't get it done, I commit to showing up still. 

Sometimes that's all we have in life.  The ability to show up.  We may feel defeated or tired, but we still show be it mentally or physically.

Here's the good news that Beth talked about in the introduction last night.  I CAN BE DIFFERENT!  She said "We have a now God"  God can change our lives now, day to day.  It doesn't have to be a production.  It isn't reserved for anyone else.  It's ours to claim.  We can fill our self with the spirit of God now. 

I have always felt inferior in the Spiritual department discounting the realities.  Saying, well He isn't referring to me in that passage.

I can't wait to see what the Lord has in mind for me as I progress through this study!

Take care and God Bless!

Learning the Love Languages

"Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other.  No one has ever seen God.  But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us."  1 John 4:11-12

Awhile ago, my husband and I went to counseling to revitalize our relationship goals.  As I have said before, sometimes we take on other roles and forget about the foundation of our relationship.  One of the principles we talked about were the 5 love languages.  Everyone communicates and desires different things in any relationship.  However, we often assume the other knows what we want without speaking it.  I was once told that the gap between expectation and reality is misery.  I believe this to be true.  We all have expectations in life and some are so lofty that they just can't be met at that level.  So, as we lower our expectations and come closer to reality, the less misery we feel.

Here are the five basic languages of love according to Gary Chapman:

Words of Affirmation--Using positive words to affirm the one you love.
Gifts--Giving thoughtful gifts to show you were thinking about someone.
Acts of Service--Doing something that you know the other person would like
Quality Time--Giving your undivided attention.
Physical Touch--Holding hand, Putting a hand on the shoulder, Hugging

According to Gary, many couples earnestly love each other but do not communicate their love in an effective way.  If you don't speak your spouse's primary love language, he or she may not feel loved, even if you are showing love in other ways.

In today's society I think we are rushed through relationships and often times land in a pool of disappointment.    Today, let's commit to making a change.  Don't overhaul because this may lead to disappointment as well.  What small change can you make in your interaction with others to make a difference? 

For me, I am going to commit to listening.  I am quick to rebuke others statements.  I often times find myself coming up with the response before they are finished. 

Father, help me to be a student of my spouse.  I want to know how best to show my love.  Please give me wisdom as I try to determine my beloved's love language.

Until next time....take care and God Bless!

Transparency in Difficult Times

So easy it is to put on a mask and pretend everything is going great.  This I call acting, and I am downright good at it.  My last post was about picking a new fork.  I committed to being a more positive person.  Well, here I am talking about my struggle in positivity.

Lately, I have been going through some personal turmoil and am letting it drag me down.  This turmoil is multi-faceted.  Both at home and in myself, I find myself searching for perfection.  Reality is this isn't possible.  I want my life to be the Brady Bunch and my weight to fall off like it does on Biggest Loser.

Truth is, neither of these desires are real.  They are both TV Shows.  While Biggest Loser coins itself as reality television, it's the furthest thing from reality there is.

I am stuck in a tough cycle and trying to break out.  Surrounding my weight loss, I am upset because the numbers aren't moving like I think they should.  So, how do I solve it?  With food of course, cuz you know, that will help.  So, I find myself eating stuff I shouldn't.  Self sabotage.  I am better at that then acting.

So, today I am transparent.  Reaching out to my support groups and saying that I am struggling.

I am so much stronger than I used to be though and know I can conquer.  I just have to know that my road will not be perfectly straight and flat.  Bumps and swerves will come.  I have to embrace them and not let them run me.

Take care and God Bless!

Stinkin Thinkin

Plateaus are an interesting thing in this battle we face against weight loss.  Sometimes, you know you are all in and still hit one.  Other times, you aren't engaged and hit one.  I am somewhere in the middle and right in the depths of a bad one.  So, for about a month, I have been teetering around the same weight.  Frustration for me often equals lack of motivation.  Lack of motivation for me in my mind equals failure.  Failure in my mind means to give up.  This is what my counselor and I refer to as stinkin thinkin. I have been thinking a lot this past week about my plateau and realize this plateau isn't about weight.  I'm at a new fork and I need to pick a path.  I can either continue down my stinkin thinkin path or choose a brighter one.  Today is a fresh start and the day I say I commit to taking a new path.  Now here is the choice I make.  I often times will say I am going to "fix" this.  What this leads to is an all or nothing fix.  The all fixes don't stick.  So today, I will recommit to taking the new path one small step at a time.  I will go to the gym tonight and meet with my trainer and go all in.  I will adjust my diet by one snack today and continue to make little stabs at adjusting it.  I am blessed to be surrounded by support and love in this journey and am thankful to have those accountability partners.  Thanks for listening!  Take care and God Bless

Weight Loss Can be Challenging

I recently hit a plateau in my weight loss.  When I say recent for like a month now.  ARGH  How frustrating is that?  In the past, this would have sent me off the deep end and I would have given up.  But, not this time, not now.  I am a long way down my journey and I'm not looking back.  Instead, I decided to buckle down and make some changes.  I contacted a trainer at my gym.  I am now going to see her twice a week in order to boost up my workouts.  We will also be reviewing my nutrition as this is a struggle for me.  I always thought if I count the calories it shouldn't really matter what I eat.  While this is logical, when I eat junk I am more hungry and often times eat more calories to fill me.  So now, I shall turn my focus to the quality of what I eat on top of the quantity.

They gym just started a 90-day challenge of weight loss or transformation.  It's a contest nationwide to compete for the most weight loss or the best transformation.  There are weekly prizes within the club and a Try It Tuesday every week that gives you a taste of all the club has to offer.  I decided I would join in.  That accountability is great for me.  My husband also signed up.  He is in the contest for weight loss and I signed up for transformation.  While we may not win the final prize, we are in it to make a win for ourselves, not to win a prize. I will let you know of the progress we make and will post my initial pictures shortly.  Until then, take care and God Bless

My Vision Boards

As you all know, I have been working my way through a healthy life transformation.  There have been many aspects of life that have made it possible to stay on the path.  One of these is through a facebook accountability group hosted by a personal trainer Shannon.  She and I got connected through a friend here at work.  The group is all about support through the yays and the nays!  Recently, Shannon talked about making a vision board.  These boards are about what you visualize your life being and where you are in life.  I thought it was a great idea to increase my daily encouragement.  Here is how they turned out:

 

The vision board is to show me where I was, where I am, and where I WILLLLLL be!

My goal board is different.  I have several aspects of life that spin together to help this transformation.  They are family, diabetes, marriage, and exercise among others.  I set short term and long term goals around them and assigned a timeline.  I read a quote that said A dream is just a dream until it's written down....then it becomes a goal.  So, for me here they are spelled out:

Family: I will vow to eat at home at the table 4x a week minimum.  By doing this, I will teach my children lessons for life about the importance of family time and helping in the kitchen.

Diabetes: I will text 2x nightly at home and 5x on weekend days.  By doing this, I have set my goal to see my A1C below 8.0 by April 16.  It was currently 9.8

Marriage: I vow to read my Love Dare Devotional Daily.  By doing this, I plan on celebrating 18 years of marriage with a trip to Branson as a couple.

Exercise:  I vow to workout a minimum of 5x a week.  By doing this, I will build up my endurance to reach to goals.  Running on a treadmill at 3.7 by June 1 and participating in my first 5K in September.

Weight Loss:  A number is just that.  So, I vow to measure my goal through measurements, clothing, and how well I feel.  By concentrating on the steps above, I plan on seeing a weight in the 180's by the end of February.

 

I went to a visit at my primary care dr yesterday.  I had not been since November of 2014.  At that time, I weighed in at 238.  Today I am 194.  I didn't realize how much weight I had lost until returning to him.  The last time I had weighed was at 209.  This is the number I have been pushing away from.  But hey, I'll take 238.  :-)

 

So as I end today....make a difference today, make a difference for life.

 

Take care and God Bless